Jokes & Humor for Women
10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat Clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other Women!
- MEN tal illness
- MEN strual cramps
- MEN tal breakdown
- MEN opause
- GUY necologist
- And when we have real trouble, it's a.....HIS terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
The MR. RIGHT Rejection Letter
Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: Size does matter.
[Your name here]
Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them.
Hey you women libbers out there:
Did you hear the one about the baby that was born in New York? It was half male and half female. It ws born with a penis and a brain.
Women are Smarter
Here's proof that women are smarter than men: Diamonds are a girl's best friend and dogs are a man's best friend.
Won the Lottery
A woman drives up her drive way, screetches her tires, and runs in the house. She says "Honey! Pack your bags. I just won the lottery!". Her replies, "Wow! Really? Where are we going?" as he starts throwing in sweaters and swiming truncks into his suitecase. The woman replies, "You can go anywhere as long as you get the hell out!"
15 Pieces of Advice Regarding Men
15 pieces of advice for women regarding men:
- Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
- What do you do when your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door behind him.
- If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
- Never let your man's mind wander. Its too small to be out on it's own.
- Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyways.
- Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- The definition of a bachelor is a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are do-it-yourself types.
- The best way to get a man to do something is to say he's too old for it.
- Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
- The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
- If he asks what kind of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
- Remeber, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you laugh at him.
- Sadly, all men are created equal.
A Woman's Revenge
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."