Q: We're in love, but the relationship isn't progressing. What can we do?
A: You need to solve problems "in the crease."
Football season is here again, so I get to use a sports analogy. The guys will love it, the gals may have to seek male interpretation!
Maggie and Larry feel they are in love with each other. They've been dating for about six months. Maggie is shy and has been hurt in prior relationships, making it difficult for her to open up and express her feelings. Larry is insecure and needs her to be able to verbalize her emotions. He says that if she can't open her heart to him he cannot continue with the relationship. She says that if she doesn't have the time and comfort and security of knowing that he is committed to her, she can't open up to him.
So we have the classic Catch 22. She can't open up without a commitment, and he can't make a commitment unless she opens up. Can they find middle ground? It turns out that this is where most relationships grow, "in the crease." It is that narrow seam between his barriers and hers where, just maybe, they can move forward a little.
The football analogy is a good one. Suppose you are a running back and you want to score a touchdown. But between you and the goal line are your own teammates and also players from the opposing team. You can't run through your own players, and you can't run through your opponents either. So you try to find a "hole" between all the players to run through, and if the hole stretches out for five or ten yards you have found "the crease," i.e. that narrow seam where there are no players from either team to bump into.
More than likely you will be tackled before making a touchdown, but you will have progressed forward and you can get up and try again.
Your own players that block your path are like your own internal barriers, fears, limiting beliefs, preconceived notions, etc. The opposing players are like your partner's internal barriers, fears, limiting beliefs, preconceived notions, etc. The "crease" is that narrow seam between all these barriers where you can make some degree of progress. Some degree of progress probably does not mean a touchdown, and does not mean you won't feel hurt, but it does mean you can continue to build your relationship in a series of such "creases."
Maybe Larry can give Maggie six months. This is not forever, but it's more than nothing. Maybe Maggie can express herself in e-mails. This is not the same as in person, but it's a start. There are no doubt many other possible "interim solutions."
A lot depends on the degree of romantic chemistry. If it's strong, they will (hopefully) keep trying. If not, they'll probably give up. Emotional maturity is important here also. The more emotionally mature a person is, the wider their degree of understanding, acceptance, and flexibility, making it easier to find common ground. If there is high chemistry and no common ground it is a sure sign of immaturity.
Finding the crease is not easy. Both you and your partner will have to push yourselves and stretch your limits. A football player has to put all his energy into finding the crease, running through it as far as he can, accepting the pain from the short gain, and getting up to try again. Relationships are very similar.
I am happy to say that Maggie and Larry have found the crease that allows their relationship to move forward. No doubt there will be other situations that present themselves in the future, but again the secret to making progress is to "find the crease."
About the Author
"Connecting what you want with what you need to know" Internationally acclaimed coach, speaker, and author Randy Hurlburt shows you how to achieve what you want in your dating and relationship life. Whether you want a soulmate or a lover, he can help you know how and where to look. Randy says most couples get together for the wrong reasons and break up for the wrong reasons, so find out how to break this cycle, and don't leave your love to chance.
Daring to speak the truth about love, Randy's out-of-the-box solutions to relationship issues have been featured in as widely diverse media as NBC TV and Playboy Radio. Randy is author of the award wining book Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know the Odds). Feel free to send him questions at randy@loveisnotagame.com.
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