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Can You Revive Lost Feelings?

By: Randy Hurlburt

Q: Can lost feelings be revived after a breakup, fight, or years of neglect?

A: It depends…

Recently a friend asked me, "Is it possible to revive lost feelings?" And my answer was, "It depends." Since many other people have also wondered if love can be revived, it's worth considering the possibilities:

1. If the feelings were true feelings, and if they were lost because one or the other partner was immature (immaturity can cause fear and/or poor treatment), and if they are both willing to work on the immaturities, then the answer is "Yes, the feelings can be revived."

2. If the feelings were a result of infatuation, and they were not really true feelings, then the answer is "No, they cannot be revived."

3. If there was some degree of infatuation which has worn off, and if the remaining feelings are true feelings but not as strong as the original feelings, then the answer is "Maybe they can be revived to some degree." In other words the feelings cannot be revived to their original state, but if the true feelings are good, they can be polished and made to shine at their true (good but not great) levels, provided both partners want to accept such a compromise and work to overcome the immaturities that keep them from enjoying this level of love.

In the real world of relationships, all three of the above scenarios can be found with great regularity. The problem is how to decide which one applies to your own situation. The best way to find out is for both partners to take the "Romantic Attraction Questionnaire" and the "Emotional Maturity Questionnaire" developed by my collaborating psychologist Harold Bessell, Ph.D. These questionnaires measure the degree of true feelings (romantic chemistry) and the degree of willingness/ability to work at a relationship (emotional maturity).

Someone confronted with the question of reviving old feelings needs to have insight. Recall the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

This is advice is highly applicable to love relationships. In situation #1 (true chemistry) it takes a lot of courage to face the fears and immaturities in order to revive old feelings. In situation #2 (infatuation), there is no real choice but to accept that they cannot be revived (and move on). In situation #3 (mixed feelings) you must have real wisdom to know if you can truly live with the compromises, and then constructively work to create a good love relationship.

I think many relationships fail just at the point where they could succeed if only the partners had more insight ("the wisdom to know the difference"), and more patience.

In the situation with my friend, the relationship had lasted for 3 ½ years. She wanted it to continue, but he wasn't sure. He said he still felt "warm" towards her, but not like it was at the beginning. He displayed a variety of signs of immaturity, such as failure to call when he promised, missing dates, making her wait, disappearing, etc. Also, after 3 1/2 years he may have been feeling an internal pressure to decide "yes or no" about this relationship. Given his immaturities and inexperience, this may have been causing a lot of anxiety and it was easier for him to run away than to stay and face the very real difficulties of a more serious relationship.

All-in-all he did not treat her well, and this caused her pain. She wanted to know if love could be revived, and I said "it depends." To me it looked like she was probably up against situation #3 (mixed feelings). It will not be easy for him to change (grow up), and there's no guarantee he will. Neither will it be easy for her to deal with the continuing pain (she will have to grow up also). Insight (and patience) will help.





"Connecting what you want with what you need to know"

Internationally acclaimed coach, speaker, and author Randy Hurlburt shows you how to achieve what you want in your dating and relationship life. Whether you want a soulmate or a lover, he can help you know how and where to look. Randy says most couples get together for the wrong reasons and break up for the wrong reasons, so find out how to break this cycle, and don't leave your love to chance.

Daring to speak the truth about love, Randy's out-of-the-box solutions to relationship issues have been featured in as widely diverse media as NBC TV and Playboy Radio. Randy is author of the award wining book Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know the Odds). Feel free to send him questions at randy@loveisnotagame.com.

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