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The Moth and the Flame

© Randy Hurlburt

Q: Why does my boyfriend/girlfriend keep running away?

A: High chemistry causes both attraction and fear.

Laurie and Mel (not their real names) recently passed the 3 year milestone in their relationship. They love each other, but being two different people it is sometimes a struggle to understand and relate to each other. Because their struggle is similar to many others, I want to share it with RomanceStuck readers.

Throughout the course of Laurie and Mel's relationship they have had the same tug-of-war. It is a recurring theme. Each year their relationship gets better, but they have their setbacks and their battles as well.

What Mel wants most is emotional closeness: talking, cuddling, sex. Laurie has been hurt by prior relationships and mainly wants safety. She doesn't want to be hurt again, so she keeps her distance - not all the time, of course, but more than Mel would like.

My friend and mentor Dr. Harold Bessell taught me about this phenomenon. He calls it "the moth and the flame." The moth is attracted to the flame, but if it gets too close it will get burned, so it backs away. Closer-farther-closer-farther: it is a circling dance of love/fear.

People are the same way. They want the closeness of a love relationship, but they have been burned before so they only give part of themselves. If they give too much, they expect to be hurt again (and often are).

How do Mel and Laurie deal with this? He accepts her degree of distance as long as she gradually moves closer. She accepts his desire for closeness as long as he respects her current degree of distance. He is the gravity, she is the centrifugal force.

Why do they bother with these differences and difficulties? The answer is simple: there is a very high level of romantic attraction. In addition, Mel is very mature emotionally, which helps him to deal with the situation (though he also experiences the "moth and flame" pressures).

Although Mel's maturity helps to hold the relationship together, it is the high chemistry that causes the "moth and flame" phenomenon. Chemistry is both the source of magnetic attraction and the cause of fear. Neither Mel nor Laurie is immune to this two-edged sword. Mel is able to handle it better, mainly by moving very slowly. Laurie, being less mature, tends to be impulsive, and then runs for cover.

While Mel and Laurie's relationship is not perfect, it has the potential to be outstanding if they work at it: emotional maturity is a learned skill, so it can increase. This relationship also has the potential to fail if they ever give up the struggle. Many people do give up just at the point of success, and that's a shame.

Is it worth the struggle? Some would say "No, Mel should find someone with less fear." But Mel knows that Laurie's maturity level is (unfortunately) typical of many adults, and finding the same level of romantic chemistry that he feels with Laurie, plus higher emotional maturity, is not easy to do. Therefore he continues to enjoy what they have, works to make it better, and sees his glass as half full, not half empty.

Meanwhile the moth continues circling the flame, ever closer, inch by scary inch, until hopefully one day they will "go up in smoke" together. It is the gradual letting down of barriers, letting another person inside one's walls, that ultimately leads to fulfillment in a high chemistry love relationship. It is not easy, but it is worth it.



About the Author
"Connecting what you want with what you need to know" Internationally acclaimed coach, speaker, and author Randy Hurlburt shows you how to achieve what you want in your dating and relationship life. Whether you want a soulmate or a lover, he can help you know how and where to look. Randy says most couples get together for the wrong reasons and break up for the wrong reasons, so find out how to break this cycle, and don't leave your love to chance.

Daring to speak the truth about love, Randy's out-of-the-box solutions to relationship issues have been featured in as widely diverse media as NBC TV and Playboy Radio. Randy is author of the award wining book Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know the Odds). Feel free to send him questions at randy@loveisnotagame.com.