A few months ago a client whose love life was going nowhere asked the question: "Why are we living if there's nowhere to go?"
Since time immemorial, sages, priests, monks, and philosophers have tried to answer this question, and have come up with many different answers.
There probably is no "ultimate" answer to this question, so it appears that each of us must ask ourselves what matters to us. Then we can set goals, whether they are 1 year, 5 year, 10 year, or lifetime goals. Based on the goals we can decide on action steps. Because we can't be sure if we'll live another 5 years, the best we can do is be happy with each step. This is called "living in the now."
Living in the now also allows for changes to the long-term goals as we learn more during the process of taking action steps. Thus unrealistic goals become realistic goals, and the nature of subsequent action steps may change. But the basic attitude of being happy taking one step at a time is the key. This is what's known as "the joy is in the journey."
In relationships, it often seems that the progress toward our goals is distressingly slow ("going nowhere"). Here the concept of "baby steps" is important. People don't like to change, and they don't like to be changed. But if a relationship is to grow, both parties will probably need to change. She may want him to be more emotionally expressive, or to be more considerate of her feelings. He may want her to be more adventurous sexually, or to be more accepting of his interest in sports.
Not all relationships will progress in a positive direction, of course. But observing whether or not there is progress, and the rate of such progress, is key to deciding if the relationship is worth the effort. Those relationships that do progress have a good chance of success, as long as both people recognize that it will be slow and sometimes painful.
I have had this experience frequently with my fiancée. Every few months we seem to come to a crisis point and have a discussion about something that one or the other doesn't like and wants to change. Sometimes we feel like we have reached the limit and it will be the end of the relationship (a scary thing). But we always manage to set small, incremental goals, each of us giving something that the other wants but that has previously been outside our limits. For instance, at one time when she was feeling insecure about the relationship and I was feeling unloved, I agreed to spend more time with her and she agreed to be more openly affectionate. We both kept this bargain, the relationship continued, and we felt good about how it progressed. We have had dozens of such small conversations (they always seem big at the time), and the resulting incremental baby step progress has brought us to where we are now.
Think about your relationship. What would you like right now from your partner? (Be specific, and choose something small.) What would your partner like from you? (Think of something that's hard for you to give.) Then when you have almost reached your limit (but before crossing it), initiate a discussion. Express your needs and ask for his or her needs. Be loving and supportive. Be willing to negotiate, be open to ideas you hadn't thought of, and be prepared to end the relationship on a constructive note if several such discussions prove unfruitful.
Part of the problem is societal expectations. From fairy tales to movies to magazines we are spoon-fed the goal of the happily ever after monogamous marriage. The truth is that most marriages are neither happy nor monogamous, but we keep searching for that ideal. And we expect it to come easily (with the other person being the only one to change.)
What's important is to take our baby steps in such a way that they move us towards an incremental increase in emotional fulfillment without giving up the ideal as an ultimate concept. In this way various "non-ideal" states of the relationship can be OK during the journey. This mode of thinking helps to promote happiness with the baby steps.
There's a quote from Carlos Casteneda that I like: "All paths lead nowhere: a path with "heart" is a strong path."
If you follow a path with heart, baby step by baby step, you will be happily secure that you are "going somewhere."
Randy Hurlburt, Dating and Relationship Coach
"Connecting what you want with what you need to know"
Internationally acclaimed coach, speaker, and author Randy Hurlburt shows you how to achieve what you want in your dating and relationship life. Whether you want a soulmate or a lover, he can help you know how and where to look. Randy says most couples get together for the wrong reasons and break up for the wrong reasons, so find out how to break this cycle, and don't leave your love to chance.
Daring to speak the truth about love, Randy's out-of-the-box solutions to relationship issues have been featured in as widely diverse media as NBC TV and Playboy Radio. Randy is author of the award wining book Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know the Odds). Feel free to send him questions at randy@loveisnotagame.com.
Idol (Mona in my Eyes)
