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Funny Love Quotes

A collection of funny love quotes, many by famous celebrities, that show the funny, light-hearted side of romance, love, and relationships. True, love is a serious matter of the heart, but I'm sure you'll find yourself laughing and nodding in agreement as you read these funny love quotes. As I always say, funny love quotes brighten your day! :)

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

-- Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

-- Agatha Christie

If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate books.

-- Alan King

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

-- Alanis Morissette

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.

-- Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

-- Albert Einstein

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

-- Albert Einstein

Law and love are the same; romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection.

-- Ally McBeal

In a recent Valentine's Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that - oh, who cares?

-- Amy Poehler

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

-- Anonymous

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

-- Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."

-- Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

-- Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.

-- Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.

-- Anonymous

Men only have two faults....What they do, and what they say!

-- Anonymous

You can't buy love on eBay.

-- Anonymous

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

-- Anonymous

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

-- Anonymous

If women didn't exist all the money in the world would have no meaning.

-- Aristotle Onassis

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

-- Benjamin Franklin

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

-- Bette Midler

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

-- Billy Crystal

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.

-- Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.

-- Cathy Carlyle

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.

-- Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.

-- Cecilia Egan

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

-- Charles de Gaulle

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

-- Charles M. Schulz

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

-- Charlie Brown

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

-- Charlie Brown

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.

-- Cher

Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.

-- Cher

Husbands are like fires - they go out when they're left unattended.

-- Cher

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

-- Christopher Marlowe

The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.

-- Colin Chapman

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.

-- Dorothy Parker

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.

-- Duane Dewel

I'm always looking for meaningful one night stands.

-- Dudley Moore

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.

-- Erich Segal

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

-- Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

-- Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise.

-- Francis Bacon

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

-- Fred Allen

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What... does a woman want?"

-- Freud

Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity.

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.

-- Fulton J. Sheen

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

-- Garry Shandling

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

-- George Burns

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

-- George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.

-- Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

-- Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

-- Groucho Marx

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

-- Helen Rowland

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

-- Henry Kissinger

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

-- Henry Youngman

When we got married I told my wife "If you leave me, I'm going with you.
And she never did.

-- James Fineous McBride

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

-- Jay Leno

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

-- Jean Kerr

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

-- Joan Crawford

It's been so long since I made love,
I can't even remember who gets tied up.

-- Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

-- Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.

-- Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.

-- Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

-- Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.

-- La Rochefoucauld

It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

-- Laurence J. Peter

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.

-- Leonardo Di Vinci

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.

-- Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars.

-- Louis Jordan

We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.

-- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

-- Mickey Rooney

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.

-- Natalie Wood

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

-- Natalie Wood

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

-- Ogden Nash

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.

-- Oscar Wilde

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

-- Patrick Murray

What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.

-- Pearl Bailey

Love is a grave mental disease.

-- Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?

-- Rita Rudner

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

-- Rita Rudner

If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police.

-- Robert Louis Stevenson

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes.

-- Sally Poplin

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

-- Samuel Johnson

Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate.�

-- Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.

-- Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

-- Steve Martin

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

-- Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

-- Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.

-- Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.

-- Tommy Dewar

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

-- Tony Curtis

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.

-- W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

-- Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

-- Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

-- Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

-- Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.

-- Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

-- Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

-- Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

-- Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness -- I hope you're getting this down.

-- Woody Allen

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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