Funny Love Quotes

This largest collection of cute funny love quotes and sayings offers both funny love quotes for him and funny love quotes for her. These funny quotes about love and funny quotes on love are sure to make you laugh out loud!

1. Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
   -- Adrienne Gusoff
2. An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
   -- Agatha Christie
3. If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate books.
   -- Alan King
4. We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
   -- Alanis Morissette
5. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
   -- Albert Einstein
6. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
   -- Albert Einstein
7. Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
   -- Albert Einstein
8. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
   -- Albert Einstein
9. Law and love are the same; romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection.
   -- Ally McBeal
10. In a recent Valentine's Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that - oh, who cares?
    -- Amy Poehler
11. If women didn't exist all the money in the world would have no meaning.
    -- Aristotle Onassis
12. Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?
    -- Barbra Streisand
13. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
    -- Benjamin Franklin
14. If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
    -- Bette Midler
15. Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose.
    -- Beverly Nichols
16. There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!!!
    -- Bill Mahrer
17. Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
    -- Billy Connolly
18. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
    -- Billy Crystal
19. A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
    -- Brendan Francis
20. Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
    -- Cathy Carlyle
21. Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
    -- Cecilia Egan
22. The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.
    -- Charles de Gaulle
23. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
    -- Charles M. Schulz
24. Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
    -- Charlie Brown
25. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
    -- Cher
26. Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.
    -- Cher
27. Husbands are like fires - they go out when they're left unattended.
    -- Cher
28. Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
    -- Christopher Marlowe
29. The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.
    -- Colin Chapman
30. I don't know if I want to get married again.
    -- Doris Day
31. If it's true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers.
    -- Doris Day
32. By the time you swear you're his,
    Shivering and sighing,
    And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
    Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.
    -- Dorothy Parker
33. A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.
    -- Duane Dewel
34. I'm always looking for meaningful one night stands.
    -- Dudley Moore
35. Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.
    -- Elbert Hubbard
36. True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
    -- Erich Segal
37. Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
    -- Erma Bombeck
38. Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up
    -- Evelyn Hendrickson
39. Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
    -- Fran Lebowitz
40. It is impossible to love and be wise.
    -- Francis Bacon
41. In love women are professionals, men are amateurs.
    -- Francois Truffaut
42. The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
    -- Fred Allen
43. The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What... does a woman want?"
    -- Freud
44. Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity.
    -- Friedrich Nietzsche
45. Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.
    -- Fulton J. Sheen
46. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
    -- G. K. Chesterton
47. I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
    -- Garry Shandling
48. Like good wine, marriage gets better with age - once you learn to keep a cork in it.
    -- Gene Perret
49. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
    -- George Burns
50. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
    -- George Carlin
51. Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.
    -- Glenn Beck
52. I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said 'I want to be let alone!' There is all the difference.
    -- Greta Garbo
53. I was married by a judge.
    I should have asked for a jury.
    -- Groucho Marx
54. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
    -- Groucho Marx
55. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
    -- Groucho Marx
56. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
    -- Groucho Marx
57. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
    -- Helen Rowland
58. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
    -- Henny Youngman
59. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
    There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
    -- Henry Kissinger
60. Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
    -- Henry Louis Mencken
61. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
    -- Henry Youngman
62. When we got married I told my wife "If you leave me, I'm going with you.
    And she never did.
    -- James Fineous McBride
63. There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
    -- James Holt McGavran
64. Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
    -- Jay Leno
65. Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.
    -- Jean Kerr
66. Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
    -- Joan Crawford
67. It's been so long since I made love,
    I can't even remember who gets tied up.
    -- Joan Rivers
68. Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
    -- Joan Rivers
69. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
    -- Joey Adams
70. You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
    -- Jonathan Carroll
71. No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.
    -- Joyce Brothers
72. If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
    -- Katharine Hepburn
73. True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.
    -- La Rochefoucauld
74. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    -- Lana Turner
75. It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
    -- Laurence J. Peter
76. Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
    -- Leonardo Di Vinci
77. If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.
    -- Lily Tomlin
78. The only people who make love all the time are liars.
    -- Louis Jordan
79. Marriage is a fine institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
    -- Mae West
80. We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
    -- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
81. I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
    -- Mickey Rooney
82. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
    -- Natalie Wood
83. Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
    -- Ogden Nash
84. Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.
    -- Oscar Wilde
85. I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
    -- Patrick Murray
86. What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
    -- Pearl Bailey
87. Love is a grave mental disease.
    -- Plato
88. A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
    -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
89. Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?
    -- Rita Rudner
90. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
    -- Rita Rudner
91. Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
    -- Rita Rudner
92. It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
    -- Robert Frost
93. If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police.
    -- Robert Louis Stevenson
94. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
    -- Rodney Dangerfield
95. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
    -- Sacha Guitry
96. My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes.
    -- Sally Poplin
97. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
    -- Samuel Johnson
98. Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate.
    -- Sandra J. Dykes
99. All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
    -- Shelley Winters
100. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
     -- Steve Martin
101. There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
     -- Steve Martin
102. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
     -- Steve Martin
103. A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.
     -- Thomas Hardy
104. Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.
     -- Tommy Dewar
105. I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
     -- Tony Curtis
106. Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
     -- Unknown
107. You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
     -- Unknown
108. The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."
     -- Unknown
109. No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
     -- Unknown
110. Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.
     -- Unknown
111. When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.
     -- Unknown
112. Men only have two faults....What they do, and what they say!
     -- Unknown
113. You can't buy love on eBay.
     -- Unknown
114. Love at first sight is always cured by the second look.
     -- Unknown
115. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
     -- Unknown
116. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
     -- Unknown
117. Love is blind, marriage is the eye- opener.
     -- Unknown
118. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
     -- Unknown
119. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
     -- Unknown
120. Life is one dumb thing after another, Love is two dumb things after each other.
     -- Unknown
121. Marriage is a lot like playing cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade!
     
     -- Unknown
122. Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
     -- W. Somerset Maugham
123. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
     -- Walt Disney
124. Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
     -- Woody Allen
125. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
     -- Woody Allen
126. To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.
     -- Woody Allen
127. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
     -- Woody Allen
128. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
     -- Woody Allen
129. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
     -- Woody Allen
130. I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
     -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
131. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
     -- Zsa Zsa Gabor