Funny Love Quotes


This largest collection of cute funny love quotes and sayings offers both funny love quotes for him and funny love quotes for her. These funny quotes about love and funny quotes on love are sure to make you laugh out loud!

  1. Law and love are the same - romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection.
    -- "Ally McBeal"
  2. Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
    -- Adrienne Gusoff
  3. An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
    -- Agatha Christie
  4. If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
    -- Alan King
  5. We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
    -- Alanis Morissette
  6. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
    -- Albert Einstein
  7. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
    -- Albert Einstein
  8. Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
    -- Albert Einstein
  9. In a recent Valentine's Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that - oh, who cares?
    -- Amy Poehler
  10. Love is an illness without a remedy.
    -- Anonymous
  11. Love is like quicksand. The deeper you fall in the harder it is to get out.
    -- Anonymous
  12. Love is like war easy to start hard to end and impossible to forget.
    -- Anonymous
  13. Love is a joke that leaves no one laughing.
    -- Anonymous
  14. If this is what love feels like, then pass the painkillers.
    -- Anonymous
  15. Love is not blind, but lovers are.
    -- Anonymous
  16. Just give her the freakin' ring and pray she knows what to do in bed.
    -- Anonymous
  17. Love is an unseen feeling that comes into sight before you fall in it.
    -- Anonymous
  18. I was in love once. I am pretty sure that I am cured now.
    -- Anonymous
  19. I can't live without you, but who says I can live with you?
    -- Anonymous
  20. If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
    -- Aristotle Onassis
  21. Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?
    -- Barbra Streisand
  22. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
    -- Benjamin Franklin
  23. If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
    -- Bette Midler
  24. Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose.
    -- Beverly Nichols
  25. There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!
    -- Bill Maher
  26. Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
    -- Billy Connolly
  27. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
    -- Billy Crystal
  28. A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
    -- Brendan Francis
  29. Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
    -- Cathy Carlyle
  30. Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
    -- Cecilia Egan
  31. The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.
    -- Charles de Gaulle
  32. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
    -- Charles M. Schulz
  33. Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
    -- Charlie Brown
  34. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
    -- Cher
  35. Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.
    -- Cher
  36. Husbands are like fires - they go out when they're left unattended.
    -- Cher
  37. Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
    -- Christopher Marlowe
  38. The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.
    -- Colin Chapman
  39. I don't know if I want to get married again.
    -- Doris Day
  40. If it's true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers.
    -- Doris Day
  41. By the time you swear you're his,
    Shivering and sighing,
    And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
    Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.
    -- Dorothy Parker
  42. A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.
    -- Duane Dewel
  43. I'm always looking for meaningful one night stands.
    -- Dudley Moore
  44. Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.
    -- Elbert Hubbard
  45. True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
    -- Erich Segal
  46. Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
    -- Erma Bombeck
  47. Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up
    -- Evelyn Hendrickson
  48. Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
    -- Fran Lebowitz
  49. It is impossible to love and be wise.
    -- Francis Bacon
  50. In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs.
    -- Francois Truffaut
  51. The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
    -- Fred Allen
  52. The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'
    -- Freud
  53. Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity.
    -- Friedrich Nietzsche
  54. Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.
    -- Fulton J. Sheen
  55. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
    -- G. K. Chesterton
  56. I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
    -- Garry Shandling
  57. Like good wine, marriage gets better with age - once you learn to keep a cork in it.
    -- Gene Perret
  58. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
    -- George Burns
  59. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
    -- George Carlin
  60. Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.
    -- Glenn Beck
  61. I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said, 'I want to be let alone!' There is all the difference.
    -- Greta Garbo
  62. I was married by a judge.
    I should have asked for a jury.
    -- Groucho Marx
  63. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
    -- Groucho Marx
  64. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
    -- Groucho Marx
  65. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
    -- Groucho Marx
  66. When one door closes, another one opens, but sometimes we wait too long looking at the closed door, and never realize that another door has been opened.
    -- Helen Keller
  67. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
    -- Helen Rowland
  68. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
    -- Henny Youngman
  69. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
    There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
    -- Henry Kissinger
  70. Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
    -- Henry Louis Mencken
  71. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
    -- Henry Youngman
  72. When we got married I told my wife 'If you leave me, I'm going with you.' And she never did.
    -- James Fineous McBride
  73. There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
    -- James Holt McGavran
  74. Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
    -- Jay Leno
  75. Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.
    -- Jean Kerr
  76. Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
    -- Joan Crawford
  77. It's been so long since I made love,
    I can't even remember who gets tied up.
    -- Joan Rivers
  78. Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
    -- Joan Rivers
  79. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
    -- Joey Adams
  80. You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
    -- Jonathan Carroll
  81. No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.
    -- Joyce Brothers
  82. If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
    -- Katharine Hepburn
  83. True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.
    -- La Rochefoucauld
  84. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    -- Lana Turner
  85. It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
    -- Laurence J. Peter
  86. Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
    -- Leonardo Di Vinci
  87. If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.
    -- Lily Tomlin
  88. The only people who make love all the time are liars.
    -- Louis Jordan
  89. Marriage is a fine institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
    -- Mae West
  90. We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
    -- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
  91. I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
    -- Mickey Rooney
  92. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
    -- Natalie Wood
  93. Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
    -- Ogden Nash
  94. Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.
    -- Oscar Wilde
  95. I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
    -- Patrick Murray
  96. What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
    -- Pearl Bailey
  97. Love is a grave mental disease.
    -- Plato
  98. A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
    -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
  99. Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?
    -- Rita Rudner
  100. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
    -- Rita Rudner
  101. Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
    -- Rita Rudner
  102. It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
    -- Robert Frost
  103. If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police.
    -- Robert Louis Stevenson
  104. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
    -- Rodney Dangerfield
  105. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
    -- Sacha Guitry
  106. My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes.
    -- Sally Poplin
  107. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
    -- Samuel Johnson
  108. Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate.
    -- Sandra J. Dykes
  109. All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
    -- Shelley Winters
  110. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
    -- Steve Martin
  111. There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
    -- Steve Martin
  112. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
    -- Steve Martin
  113. A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.
    -- Thomas Hardy
  114. Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.
    -- Tommy Dewar
  115. I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
    -- Tony Curtis
  116. He broke my heart. I broke his Playstation. Guess who cried more?
    -- Unknown
  117. Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
    -- Unknown
  118. You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
    -- Unknown
  119. The four most important words in any marriage... "I'll do the dishes."
    -- Unknown
  120. No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
    -- Unknown
  121. Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.
    -- Unknown
  122. When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.
    -- Unknown
  123. Men only have two faults... What they do, and what they say!
    -- Unknown
  124. You can't buy love on eBay.
    -- Unknown
  125. Love at first sight is always cured by the second look.
    -- Unknown
  126. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
    -- Unknown
  127. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
    -- Unknown
  128. Love is blind... marriage is the eye-opener.
    -- Unknown
  129. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
    -- Unknown
  130. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
    -- Unknown
  131. Life is one dumb thing after another, Love is two dumb things after each other.
    -- Unknown
  132. Marriage is a lot like playing cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you'll wish you had a club and a spade!

    -- Unknown
  133. Love is like war: easy to start, hard to end, and impossible to forget!
    -- Unknown
  134. I was in love once. I am pretty sure that I am cured now.
    -- Unknown
  135. Love never makes a man intelligent.
    -- Unknown
  136. A breakup is like a broken mirror.. it's better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.
    -- Unknown
  137. Men are like restrooms. The good ones are occupied and the bad ones are dirty.
    -- Unknown
  138. Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
    -- W. Somerset Maugham
  139. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
    -- Walt Disney
  140. Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
    -- Woody Allen
  141. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
    -- Woody Allen
  142. To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
    -- Woody Allen
  143. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
    -- Woody Allen
  144. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
    -- Woody Allen
  145. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
    -- Woody Allen
  146. I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
    -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
  147. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
    -- Zsa Zsa Gabor



This largest collection of cute funny love quotes and sayings offers both funny love quotes for him and funny love quotes for her. These funny quotes about love and funny quotes on love are sure to make you laugh out loud! - http://www.romancestuck.com/quotes/funny-love-quotes.htm