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JOKES FOR MEN

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work . . . more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.

And don't forget. . . . . .
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off each other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Rule # 1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2: If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4: It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5: Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
Rule # 8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule # 9: Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Rule # 10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chest stared at.
Rule # 11: When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12: Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

A: After you dump your load, the washer won't follow you around for days asking, "Do you love me?"

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replaced the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
You go out and by her extra-light pantyliners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspecious noise at night: 0
It turns out to be nothing: 0
It turns out to be something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It is her pet dog/cat: -10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS AT A PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay for a while, then go and chat with a college buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

ON HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
You go with a gal pal: -5
The pal is happily married: -4
Or frighteningly single: -7
And she drives a Mustang: -10
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED: -15

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It's called Death Cop 9: -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too": -800

COMMUNICATION - WHEN SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT A PROBLEM
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
You listen for over 30 minutes: +5
Without looking at the TV once: +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

THE BIG QUESTION -- SHE ASKS YOU "DO I LOOK FAT?"
You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
Any other response: -20

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

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