"Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant."
The Woman & The Lawyer
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel. The bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded, "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."
"My second husband was from Software Services: he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation."
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach'."
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . . God I miss him! So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious. You're a lawyer. I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
Golden Wedding Anniversary
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a con-ciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
* To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. - To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.
* Married men live longer than single men, - but married men are a lot more willing to go.
* Any married man should forget his mistakes, - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. - A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
* A woman has the last word in any argument. - Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
* There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Who feels better?
A husband and wife were arguing on whether males or females enjoy sex better. The husband says "of course it's us men, why else would we be so obsessed with it?". The his wife says, "stick your finger in your ear and wriggle it around. What comes out feeling better, the finger or the hole?"
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
The husband asks for sex.
The wife says, "No."
Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
She responds, "Yes."
He says, Then, I'd like to phone a friend."
He'll Be Late
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said.
"Where was he?"
"Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
Husband vs. Wife
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee ." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
More Relatonship JokesRelationship Jokes | Jokes for Men | Jokes for Women
Marriage Jokes | Wedding Jokes | Divorce Jokes |