You are here: Home > Dating Advice Columnists > Ask Dr. Neil > What to Look For

What to Look for in a Man

© Dr. Neil Friedman

Q. In deciding whether to marry a man, what should I look for?

A. Two things stand out for me: Do I love him? Is he good for me?

Notice that these are two questions...not one.

Do I love him? There is an experience called 'the opening of the heart". It is a distinct feeling with a physicality to it in the center of the heart area. This is the experience of love. Do I feel this for this man? Do I feel it some of the time when I am near him? (Notice - not ALL of the time) When we are intimate, do I have this feeling? If the feeling is consistently lower down in the body it may well be lust rather than love.

Is he good for me?

This is the question that both genders need to ask re their possible spouses but I find it is women who more often forget this one.

We can love many people. But not all of them are good for us. We are sometimes attracted to the kind of person who is going to push all our buttons. 'Bad" boys can be highly attractive. But is he going to be good for me? When I am around him do I feel expanded, more myself? Does he bring out the best in me?

These questions need to be asked also of oneself before entering a committed relationship.

Two more points:

In a long-term relationship, communication is key. So look at the way the two of you communicate. Can you resolve things through talking about them? Or does talk escalate difficulties? This is very important. A man can't be good for you if you cannot talk to him and feel him listening.

Second, in a long-term relationship there will be ups and downs and many changes. Is this person flexible? Does he seem like the kind of person who can change as life changes?

These are not easy questions to answer. There are no guarantees. You can do everything right and still have it work out wrong. No one is immune. Relationships require work.

Are you both willing and able to do the work?

Many blessings
Dr. Neil

About the Author
Relationship questions? Everyone has them. Most are afraid to ask them. Thus is the beauty of the Internet. With complete anonymity, both men and women can ask everything they ever wanted to know about sex, dating, marriage, divorce, or relationships-but were always too afraid to ask. But who is there to answer?

Luckily, therapist, lecturer, and author Dr. Neil Friedman has answered over 1,000 of these probing relationship questions in his popular "Ask Dr. Neil" column at www.Relationship-Talk.com. Handling everything from sex to communication to endings and affairs, Dr. Neil responds sensitively and knowledgeably to his devoted fans and newbies alike.