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Info on 'The Rules'

By: Dr. Neil Friedman

A very good woman friend, recently divorced, just getting back into the dating game, swears by "The Rules".

What are The Rules? The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider describe themselves as "Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right". Addressed to women, they are "a simple way of acting around men that can help any woman win the heart of the man of her dreams"

The Rules are simple: Treat the man that you are "really, really crazy about" like "the man that you are not that interested in". Don't call. Be busy sometimes. End a call before he does. "Men love a challenge." So, don't make it too easy for him and never, never initiate something like "Let's have coffee" or, God forbid, "How about we go out together?"

I hate The Rules.

First of all, anything that leads one gender to manipulate the other is bad news, as far as I am concerned. The Rules are unashamedly manipulative. Men need to be pursuers, they say, and so set it up so that he has to pursue. Now, I am against the games men play as well. The trouble with dating is how many games are involved. But the answer is NOT to teach women games to play. A good date-manual would be about how to get each person to be most real. THAT would be quite an accomplishment.

Second, I may be am among the men who consider themselves "shy" or "less assertive" or" less initiating" when it comes to dating. We LIKE women to seek us out. NOT ALL MEN BELIEVE THAT WE HAVE TO BE THE PURSUERS. Part of that is a social role that we have carried around as quite a burden.

Third, given that not all men are so, shall we say, "cocksure" of themselves, if you do not respond to me with interest I may conclude you lack interest and I should move on. I want some honest feedback as to where I stand with you. The Rules don't seem to leave a place for men like me.

My woman friend is having a ball by The Rules. And I have no doubt they must have something to offer women - just look at their popularity. I"m not 100% against them. I just have the objections and concerns as above. When The Rules say to women "Don't open up too fast"(Rule #19) I have to say - but for some men a woman's opening up and being transparent and real IS what helps make the whole thing happen. MEN DON'T ALL BEHAVE ACCORDING TO THE RULES.

Thank goodness!

Many blessings
Dr. Neil



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