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Questions & Answers

By: Dr. Neil Friedman

What kind of questions does Dr. Neil get? And what kind of answers does he give? Here is a representative sample of questions to and from Dr. Neil:

Question #1: To tell or not to tell?

Q: Hello. I have a very close friend whom I also have a huge crush on. We have a lot in common and I think we would be very good together. The catch is that he has a girlfriend, long-distance. Their relationship is hot and cold. I know he cares for her deeply, but I also know that he isn't sure if he wants to be with her forever. I feel that there are signals that he may have the same feelings as I, but I do not want to risk the great friendship that we currently have. Should I tell him I like him, or let things happen on their own?

A: Dear Anonymous - I have answered variations of this question so many times (which just shows that it is a frequent occurrence) that I think I can keyboard this to you in my sleep. Say to him something like, "I don't want to do anything to get in the way of our wonderful friendship and I also don't want to interfere with the relationship I know you have ongoing...but I need to tell you that I am having more-than-friend feelings for you and I was wondering if you might have them for me too?"


Question #2: Why Am I Staying Around?

Q: My boyfriend is really rude to me and calls me names why am I staying around?

A: Dear anonymous - Because you are not putting enough emphasis on what is good for you. This is a question I have answered many times. It comes more from women than from men. It usually takes the form - he treats me badly but I love him and what should I do? I want to make this point once again. It is not just a matter of whether he loves you or you love him. It is also a matter of is he good for you. Too many women, it seems from this column's history do not ask that question enough. It is part of some sweepingly romantic totalsim of thought and feeling: if it is love....go for it and stay with it. Nonsense. There is good love and bad love and everything in between. Love requires a mutuality of caring and respect between people. Without that mutuality, love is simply another reason for self-abasement. Love is not good for some women who put love at the top of their list of priorities and forget self-respect and leave that off their list. Some men do it too. But not as many.


Question #3: He doesn't want to have sex

Q: My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. I live in the UK and he in the US but this is only for a few more months. Recently he sent me an email saying he feels he doesn't want to have sex any more. He didn't say he didn't want to sleep with me just in general. He said that he would be perfectly fine masturbating and that was it. Should I be thinking he has someone on the side there and is slowly breaking the news to me? Thank you for your help.

A: Dear Elizabeth - His communication can be considered in the general class of communications that are telling you something but one cannot be sure what that something is. That is, a person just doesn't decide he doesn't want to have sex anymore period. The statement is a hint, an invitation (to be charitable) to ask for more information. Personally, I tend to hate communications like this because the person is not really doing his part of the work. For this conversation to go forward you need to say something relatively neutral like..."Could you tell me more about that?" That is the response I would urge on you. It takes nothing for granted and it does not read his mind. It actually ask him to do what he ought to have done more of in the first place - namely, really communicate what is going on. If you can ask that without anger, I think you will have done a good job with this kind of communication. And that is a good general rule: when communications are incomplete or like in code...ask the person to tell you more. Don't do the work for him.


Question #4: Blowing off the ones who like him

Q: Why is it I only pursue girls who are unavailable and not interested in me and blow off girls who like me? Thanks, Matt.

A: Dear Matt - Because you don't want a relationship to work. Now...why is that?


Question #5: Is he cheating?

Q: Okay, I just met my boyfriend when I came to North Carolina in August. I already know he is hiding stuff about his family life but I figure he will tell me about his family problems when he is ready. But he checked my email once and read a note from one of my old friends. Me and that friend play around and it wasn't anything serious and I told him that, that was like 3 months ago. Now he is always on the computer having cybersex and email naked girls and looking at porn. I was checking his email today and I read a note from a girl and they were really talking about hooking up and what not. They want to have sex and everything. Should I ignore this note and not take it serious because my emails aren't. I don't know what to do because if I approach him about it he is going to turn it around and make it all my fault. So please tell me what to do. Thanks, Bakardi.

A: Dear Bakardi - First I want to say as I have many times here that I do not know what brings more trouble - the pornography on the Internet or reading your mate's e-mails without him knowing it! I think you had best just say to him something like ,"Hey, listen I know I really shouldn't have but I read your e-mails and I see you corresponding with this woman about having sex and what all and I apologize for snooping but what the hell is going on?" If he tries to put the whole conversation on your snooping, don't let him do it: "I already apologized for that. Now let's get to what you are up to." Frankly, there is not enough truth and honesty in your relationship. I don't think the two of you have much of a chance unless you dedicate yourselves to bringing truth and honesty into the picture.


Many blessings
Dr. Neil



Relationship questions? Everyone has them. Most are afraid to ask them. Thus is the beauty of the Internet. With complete anonymity, both men and women can ask everything they ever wanted to know about sex, dating, marriage, divorce, or relationships-but were always too afraid to ask. But who is there to answer?

Luckily, therapist, lecturer, and author Dr. Neil Friedman has answered over 1,000 of these probing relationship questions in his popular "Ask Dr. Neil" column at www.Relationship-Talk.com. Handling everything from sex to communication to endings and affairs, Dr. Neil responds sensitively and knowledgeably to his devoted fans and newbies alike.

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