You are here: Home > Dating Advice Columnists > Ask Dr. Neil > More About the Rules

More About 'The Rules'

© Dr. Neil Friedman

Readers responses suggest that I have hit an exposed nerve about The Rules. So here are some more quotes from The Rules followed by my commentary:

"What are The Rules? They are a simple way of acting around men that can help any woman win the heart of the man of her dreams." (p.5)

"The purpose of The Rules is to make Mr. Right obsessed with having you as his by making yourself seem unattainable. In plain language we are talking about playing hard to get! Follow The Rules and he will not just marry you but feel crazy about you forever. What we are promising you is ' happily ever after'..." (p.6)

Men are different from women...Men are born to respond to challenge...if men love challenge, we become challenging." (p.7)

"The premise of The Rules is that we never make anything happen, that we trust in the natural order of things - namely, that men pursue women."(p.26)

I could go on and on but you get the idea and I am getting a stomach ache. I hate The Rules. I have no doubt that they help some women, especially WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH. But as a rule-book for heterosexual relationships, as a summary of male-psychology, they are simplistic to the point of being inane.

Let me suggest a different scenario. Both men and women want to cease playing games. We want to be real with each other. It is scary. Perhaps my real self will be rejected, What I need are lessons in 'selective authenticity', ways to reveal more about myself without going overboard before a relationship exists. Rules for self-disclosure - safe self-disclosure - now that would be a book to write! Until then, please forget The Rules.

Many blessings
Dr. Neil

About the Author
Relationship questions? Everyone has them. Most are afraid to ask them. Thus is the beauty of the Internet. With complete anonymity, both men and women can ask everything they ever wanted to know about sex, dating, marriage, divorce, or relationships-but were always too afraid to ask. But who is there to answer?

Luckily, therapist, lecturer, and author Dr. Neil Friedman has answered over 1,000 of these probing relationship questions in his popular "Ask Dr. Neil" column at www.Relationship-Talk.com. Handling everything from sex to communication to endings and affairs, Dr. Neil responds sensitively and knowledgeably to his devoted fans and newbies alike.