You are here: Home > Dating Advice Columnists > Ask Dr. Neil > Endings

Endings

By: Dr. Neil Friedman

Endings suck.

Most of them, that is.

Not all.

But more often than not leavers feel sadness, guilt, confusion, inadequacy or, in some circumstances, relief.

Those who have been left feel rage, fury, sadness, melancholy, grief, and , at times, relief. Any previous experience they have had with abandonment, rejection or other trauma can be restimulated.

The endings has at least two levels. There is the present ending -and the feelings around it - and the feelings from the past that have been triggered by the present ending.

The plight of the left has been studied more often than the plight of the leaver. Fortunately, I have been both :):):) Only psychopaths get away scot free. (And they have hell to pay sooner or later.) Leavers have their feelings about their actions. "Why can't I commit?" "Why am I so picky?" Public opinion is seldom on the side of the leaver. His suffering is seldom appreciated and applauded.

The one who has been left suffers more publicly. The experience of loss is inherent to being human. That is one of the great truths. But experiencing it is different from hearing it in a lecture. Ram Dass talks about dispensing such wisdom to a packed house and then retreating to his hotel room bawling over his most recently lost companion. How much we suffer depends upon our predilection to suffering, the size of the present loss, and how closely it resembles and thus restimulates previous trauma.

Let me share something of my own history.

When I was four I cut my eye with a screwdriver and had to have an operation to save my sight.

My mother took me to the hospital. I was quite attached to her. I would not let her go.

Recently she has told me that it was a nurse who suggested she tell me that she was going for a drink of water. ..and then to just leave. It was bad advice.

She never said good-bye.

Thirty years later I fell hard for a woman whose coloring was like my mother's. After a whirlwind two month romance in which we both seemed quite involved...she left. She disappeared. She was just gone. She did not say good-bye. I never saw her again.

I was devastated. I had been abandoned -again. The 'again' is important.

THE WORST ENDINGS ARE THOSE THAT RESTIMULATE PAST TRAUMA.

I recovered. And I use her as an example whenever I can. That which does not kill us...can become a teaching story.

Endings.

Endings suck.

Many blessings
Dr. Neil



Relationship questions? Everyone has them. Most are afraid to ask them. Thus is the beauty of the Internet. With complete anonymity, both men and women can ask everything they ever wanted to know about sex, dating, marriage, divorce, or relationships-but were always too afraid to ask. But who is there to answer?

Luckily, therapist, lecturer, and author Dr. Neil Friedman has answered over 1,000 of these probing relationship questions in his popular "Ask Dr. Neil" column at www.Relationship-Talk.com. Handling everything from sex to communication to endings and affairs, Dr. Neil responds sensitively and knowledgeably to his devoted fans and newbies alike.

---

To link to this page, copy the following code to your site: