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Couples Conference

© Dr. Neil Friedman

I spent a long weekend in Los Angeles at a Couples conference and want to use my experience there for this weeks' column.

First, what struck me was how many participants said the equivalent of "Being in a relationship is hard and difficult work" . These were psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, marriage and family counselors etc. THEY WERE NOT TALKING ABOUT THEIR CLEINTS. They were talking about themselves. There was a lot of interest in panels and presentations on divorce . Many participants had experienced at least one divorce. This is worth keeping in mind. Those whom we go to for help in this love -and-relationship-business have had and have their own difficulties in the area. Of course, I'm not one of them....

The second thing that stood out was the statement that "infidelity is the sine qua non of divorce." One of the presenters had seen 20,000 couples in over 25 years of practice. he did not say how many of those couples divorced, but he did say that in only 9 cases was there divorce without infidelity. he did not say that the infidelity was the CAUSE of the divorce. He just said there is seldom in his experience divorce without infidelity.

Third, there were good presentations on how to reconnect AFTER an infidelity or affair. It was clear that the affair did not have to lead to divorce. A very good book seemed to be AFTER THE AFFAIR. I apologize for not having gotten the author's name but I am sure you can get it at amazon.com

I had the sense that the couples' therapy realm is alive and kicking and blooming with new approaches and sensitive practitioners who have been there themselves. I think the latter is the most important thing. Go to a couples therapist who has had first hand experience in what being a couple is about, especially its trials. If someone tells you that marriage and family and relationship is a piece of cake, that he or she has the total and complete answer to it, and he and she has never had anything but success in his or her relationship....I'd advise taking the business card and moving on.

Unless it is I :):):):):):)

Many blessings
Dr. Neil

About the Author
Relationship questions? Everyone has them. Most are afraid to ask them. Thus is the beauty of the Internet. With complete anonymity, both men and women can ask everything they ever wanted to know about sex, dating, marriage, divorce, or relationships-but were always too afraid to ask. But who is there to answer?

Luckily, therapist, lecturer, and author Dr. Neil Friedman has answered over 1,000 of these probing relationship questions in his popular "Ask Dr. Neil" column at www.Relationship-Talk.com. Handling everything from sex to communication to endings and affairs, Dr. Neil responds sensitively and knowledgeably to his devoted fans and newbies alike.

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