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When the Rules Change Again

© Dr. Dennis Neder

My Wife and I have been married for almost 8 years. We have 2 beautiful boys and a girl (7, 4 and 5 y/o.) Lately it has been totally impossible to get her to have "alone time" with me. I have tried talking to her, flirting with her and just doing special romantic things for her but every night ends with the same results: she either watches "women movies" until I am asleep, she is on the phone with her friends, or she just says she is to tired and turns her back to me and goes to sleep. I am starting to think there is someone else that is getting her affection!!

Three years ago I caught her e-mailing and even talking to a man more than 20 years older than her, after confronting her about it and telling her if she isn't happy with our relationship I didn't want to hold her back. She convinced me it was just a cry for help and wanted more help with household duties and with the kids which I have done, to the point that she brags to her co-workers about how great of a husband she has! If I am so good then why can't she bring herself to spend some intimate time with me? If it wasn't for our son's I'm afraid I would have already given up, but I love her with all my heart and causes me so much pain not to be close with her!


Hey!

Some cry for help!

First, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's extremely difficult when the rules change. Ultimately, your wife has no particular motivation to change things. It's something like the joke about the guy on his wedding day that is missing only to turn up an hour later with his friends asking what happened. He said, "I just got the best blowjob of my life from my fiancé! This marriage is going to be incredible!" Meanwhile, his fiancé is finally found by her friends and when asked where she was, she said, "It was incredible - I just gave the last blowjob of my life!"

I know this isn't a laughing matter, but the point is the same.

Frankly, I think there is a high likelihood that she's seeing someone else which is particularly tragic considering your children. If this is so, they are ultimately going to suffer right along with you, but without the emotional tools to deal with things.

As you've said, you've been the "model husband" all in an attempt to not only make your wife happy, but to recreate the intimacy you need - all to no avail. I think these indirect innuendos should come to an end. You need to confront her about this, face to face, husband to wife.

Here's the reality: she has responsibilities to you and your marriage. Just because she doesn't feel like it isn't good enough. She's also obviously secure in the fact that she doesn't have to give a shit! If she did, she'd never be taking this attitude.

If there's an emotional issue, she needs to get it handled by speaking to a counselor. If there's another person in the mix, it needs to be dealt with by you both - if not for you and your marriage - for your children. Ultimately, this will likely break up your family. If there's a physical problem she needs to see a doctor.

Here's what you should do:

Sit her down when the kids aren't around and say, point-blank that she's not living up to the expectations you had when you married her. Don't mince words here. Consider this: if you were out getting sex from someone else, it would be "cheating" against your promises to her, wouldn't it? So, why are the implied promises of being a good sex partner for you not "cheating" even if she's not seeing someone else?

Answer: they are the same.

Consider this too: our form of marriage is hundreds of years old and the basis for it began when women were properly of westernized men. There was no ability to "have a headache" that lasted for years. The entire community would rally behind the husband because he'd have never entered into the marriage if sex wasn't part of the bargain. Why should that be any different now?

Likewise, she needs to understand that you expect her to get this solved and you'll even help if need be, but if she doesn't, that becomes your ticket to see your sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Meeting your sexual needs is part of the marital agreement whether it's contained within the vows or not. If she can only do that by giving you the freedom to see it outside of the marriage, then you can accept that option if she demands it.

Frankly, I hope you get what you want and need from this marriage. It's the requirement of the family's adults to work this out however it'll best suit the needs of the kids. After all, they didn't ask to be born into this. You and she made that decision for them.

Best regards...



About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.