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Sexually Frustrated

© Dr. Dennis Neder

Hi Dennis,

I am a college sophomore and diabetic and I'm in a relationship with a freshman. I am a virgin but my girlfriend is not. I've told her that I'm not bothered by what happened in her past.

We've tried to have sex on two occasions. The first time I was extremely drunk and we both pretty much knew that nothing was going to happen. Our second attempt things just went all to hell. I don't know what the problem is, but I went soft right before I tried to enter her. I'm fine up until I start putting a condom on and then...nothing. It's terribly frustrating because I don't know how to explain it.

I masturbate often (not excessively though) and I've never had any problems staying hard, so I have no idea what the issue is. It's really bothering me because my girlfriend feels like it is her fault; that somehow I don't find her sexually attractive and that's why I can't stay hard. That is as far from the truth as possible, and I've told her this but I don't think she truly believes it.

What could the problem be? Is it simply nerves because I've never had sex before or might it be a bigger issue like Erectile Dysfunction ("ED")? I know diabetics can sometimes be prone to getting ED, but I'm only 20 years old so that wouldn't make much sense. I'm extremely frustrated because I want to have sex with this girl, i haven't rushed in making that decision but now I'm utterly unable to accomplish anything. It's horribly embarrassing and this has only happened twice. I don't know what to do. Should i consult my doctor or should I just try harder next time, even though I don't know what else I could possibly do.


Hello!

No, I don't think you need to talk to a doctor. This isn't ED and it's not that odd or weird either.

Here's the reality: this has nothing to do with your sexual attraction for your girlfriend. The real problem is that sex is very complicated. You don't have a natural instinct toward sex like animals do. Humans are complicated emotional creatures and there are tons of things that go into human sexual response whether you're a man or a woman. In effect, you have to LEARN how to be sexual with someone else.

You see, all this time you've been practicing being sexual by yourself. Your mind has learned that's how sex works; and by the way, this is also perfectly natural. At the same time, you've spent your entire life practicing being non-sexual around others. This is because it's not socially acceptable to go over and hump every chick that strikes your interests. Your body is merely responding to years upon years of conditioning.

Once you start practicing being sexual with your girlfriend, your body will learn this and react appropriately. Trust me, it WILL do this! Don't fret about it - it's all completely normal and you're going to be fine.

What I suggest is that you and she take an entire afternoon and evening the next time you have sex. You have to plan this however - sex isn't spontaneous when you're first starting out. Let things build up over time. Eat a meal in bed and make it a game. Feed each other; eat food off of each other's bodies, etc. Have fun!

I'd also suggest you abstain from masturbating for a week before this. Trust me; if you can stand the tension of that afternoon and evening, you're going to be ready without hesitation by the time the condom goes on.

Once you relearn how to be a sexual person with someone else, you'll find that sex becomes spontaneous and that your reactions are natural - and you'll stay hard without any trouble at all.

Best regards...



About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

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