If you've ever been in a relationship, you've likely encountered differences between your partner's sex drive and your own. Most people believe that men's sex drive is far greater than women's, but in fact, I find about an equal number of complaints from both men and women.
Often, one partner adjusts their own sex drive to fit their partner's over time, but if the difference is great, this might not be an option. For instance, if you want sex every day but your partner only wants sex once a month, you're going to have problems unless one of you is a really good masturbator.
Don't be a Hater - be a Masturbator!
Some people believe that as soon as they enter a monogamous, committed relationship that their - or their partner's - masturbation should end. Even in committed relationships, you both should still be taking time for yourself. Some couples add masturbation into their regular sex and this is a great alternative to regular intercourse, but it doesn't allow for that special "Me Time" where you get to grow your own sexuality.
Masturbation is an opportunity to safely explore your own fantasies - and reactions to them. This is where you learn about yourself and the more you know about your own sexuality, the more you bring to the bedroom for your partner. People should never feel threatened by their partner's masturbation unless it directly interferes with sex.
Responsibilities verse Expectations
Both partners in a relationship have responsibilities to the other. All of us get tired, feel sick or just don't have the energy at times, but that shouldn't be a regular problem. If it is with your partner, it's likely not "reality" but an excuse to beg off sex due to another problem.
When you're in a committed relationship, you have sexual responsibilities to your partner just as you have other responsibilities. Constantly denying - or demanding - sex from them is a sure way to end the benefit of the relationship itself. In effect, you have to find a compromise that works for you both. Often, that means one partner "getting in the mood" and the other "getting in touch with themselves" regularly.
Why Sex Drives Wane
As relationships grow, sexual frequency often wanes. This is a normal evolutionary part of relationships, but doesn't have to mean their end. This waning can be due to many factors including stress, exercise, diet, availability, inter-relationship problems and many other factors. Most often these factors solve themselves over time, but some don't.
If the problem with sexual frequency is due to problems within the relationship itself, many couples simply try to increase the sex. This may work as a temporary solution, but does nothing to fix the foundational problems. Until these are addressed, the sex will continue to suffer in quality - if not in quantity.
Solving the Problem
Let's be honest here - some couples are just not meant to be together. If your sex drive is vastly different from your partner's and you can't seem to find a good "fit" you have very few options.
One would be for the higher-libido partner to find another sex partner and some couples actually choose this option. The challenges with this option are huge and very few relationships can survive it; but in fact, some do. Some even thrive!
Here are some less-dramatic ways to help solve this difference in drives:
Communication
I'm constantly amazed at how many people write to me with sex problems only to find out that they've never communicated the issues properly to their partners! Women are particularly bad about this and I get letters that state, "well, he should just KNOW!" I'm not sure how he's supposed to just know. I guess he reads minds or something.
Communicating the issue involves more than just speaking it; it also involves listening - really listening - with the intent of solving this problem just like any other relationship problem. Being the caring, concerned, giving partner that you were when you first met will go along way toward solving libido difference problems.
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Compromise
Sometimes you have to "take one for the team" in order to find balance and bring harmony to your relationship. Sometimes, you have to take things into your own hands, so to speak. These shouldn't be the primary way the problem gets solved however. These are periodic solutions only.
For instance, if your partner is willing to have sex twice a week, but you prefer it three times, your once-a-week habit is going to go a long way to making things healthy within your relationship. Likewise, the less-interested partner can do many things to help! Sometimes just being present when one person masturbates keeps you together as a couple, but also solves the need for sex.
Quality vs. Quantity
Many sexual issues have nothing to do with quantity at all, although that seems up-front to be the issue. When sexual quality isn't present, many people try to substitute quantity instead.
By taking time and making sex a priority in the relationship, you can really focus on what both people get from it, thus, making it much more satisfying and gratifying. Quality sex often reduces the need for quantity sex!
Counseling
As a final option, you should always consider counseling if you can't work things out as a couple. Professionals are non-judgmental and have likely been through these things many times with many other couples. In effect, you get to benefit from the past experience!
The bottom line is this: you and your partner deserve a satisfying sex life together. If you're unable to find it, perhaps you're not with the right person. On the other hand, don't throw away a perfectly good relationship without first getting your bedroom issues addressed.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder, Relationship Author & Columnist
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!
Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.
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