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Which is Best - Same or Different?

By: Dr. Dennis Neder

Hey Doc:

I have a question which might sound a bit unusual but; do relationships work best between people who are different or people who are similar?

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Hello!

Actually, as with so many things, it depends!

Obviously, it's a good idea to have some things in common such as hobbies, nationalities, religious/spiritual beliefs, etc., or at least have a respect for your partner's beliefs if they are different.

On the other hand, there are many aspects where opposites are far better. For example, if you're heterosexual, being the opposite sex from your mate is better.

I teach a number of "communication models" that both describe and predict behaviors. In most cases it's best for certain models to be the same. This helps to develop rapport and connection because we feel most comfortable with our own systems. In other cases, it's better for the models to be opposite.

In short, there isn't an easy answer to the question!

One interesting thing however is that when we first meet someone, we tend to use many different communication systems! We do this subconsciously in order to create that rapport and connection I talked about earlier. However as the relationship progresses, we often revert to the system that is most comfortable for us - particuarly when there is conflict.

How many times have you said (or heard), "You're just not LISTENING TO ME!!"? Probably at least a few times. So, we tend to get even heavier into our own communication models and re-state it over and over again, getting nowhere.

This is the time to break out of what is most comfortable for you and to try to expand the communication system in order to speak to your partner in their own model.

Understanding these models isn't particularly difficult but there are a lot of facets to it. For much more check out my books and website.

Best regards...





Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.

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