I have a fairly serious issue regarding my parents and my relationship with my boyfriend. I am 22 years old and I live completely on my own, however, my parents still give me problems about my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. I love him very much and he loves me very much. Unfortunately, my parents don't like him at all!
He is 29 years old and he didn't go to college (which is their biggest problem with him). He is a carpenter and they have issues with that. He had some trouble getting his life on track but he is doing pretty well now. Basically, every time I am with him I feel guilty because I know my parents are angry. I am going away with him this weekend for his birthday and I got the typical attitude from my parents when I mentioned it.
My mom stopped speaking to me for a week one time after I mentioned I was going over to my boyfriend's house for the night. Now I can't tell her where I am when I am with him and it is absolutely ridiculous in my mind, especially since I do live on my own and pay everything on my own. I have a great job and a great apartment and I don't really need my parents for anything.
They just can't seem to let go, though. On top of all of that my boyfriend is starting to feel like I'm hiding him, which makes me feel awful. I feel like I'm always lying and hiding things and I just don't want to do it anymore. How do I handle my parents?
Please help!
Hello!
You handle it by realizing that it's their problem - not yours.
Just because they're your parents doesn't mean that they're "wise". In fact, this is down-right stupid! (Feel free to tell them I said so if you wish.) They feel that punishing you by withholding their love is going to motivate you to do the things they want you to do. Frankly, that's pretty screwed up, but not as screwed up as you letting them do it to you!
You're an adult with your own direction now and you are free to make whatever decisions about your life you wish to make. Your parents on the other hand are free to give you the respect and coutesy you deserve in those decisions. If they don't like them and they've told you (obviously) then they're free to shut the hell up and treat you as an adult!
You have to help them here however. I'm not recommending that you astrange yourself from your folks, but frankly, if they insist on this childish game, then they don't deserve to have access to your life.
In fact, look at what's happening: you're not changing your relationship, you're just driving it underground. Is that really the kind of relationship your parents want with you? If so, then you haven't lost very much in my humble.
Tell them to back the hell off already. They don't have to love your boyfriend if they don't want to, but they'd better damn well respect your decisions as the adult you are - and treat you AND your decisions with respect. After all, they spent the first part of your life giving you the tools to make these decisions. To come back now and be unhappy about the way you're using them doesn't reflect poorly on you, it reflects poorly on them.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder, Relationship Author & Columnist
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!
Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.
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