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My Boyfriend Doesn't Like My Father

By: Dr. Dennis Neder

Hello!

Thank you so much for your time and attention.

I have been living with my boyfriend for about 8 months now. He doesn't like my father as according to him "my view of men is distorted by the secretive way he (my father) acts towards my mother". According to him my insecurities and jealousy have a root right there and therefore he claims he "unfortunately" does not like him. It got me thinking if my insecurities are the only trouble there and if I was less insecure he would not dislike my father. In other words, I'd like to know, according to your experience and knowledge, how bad is that in a relationship that the man does not like the girlfriend's father and how much that fact (not liking the father) could affect the success of a relationship. Could there be another meaning to it apart just than blaming him for my insecurity? Is that enough of a reason for disliking someone?

Thank you very much!


Hello!

That seems pretty convenient on his part. He gets to blame your dad so that he doesn't have to blame you! I'm assuming you're an adult here and if you're this insecure, I'm afraid your dad isn't the problem - you are.

When you become an adult, your parents have no further hold on you. What they taught you as a child holds some weight, but in fact, it's entirely your choices that govern your life. If you're insecure and use that as an excuse to create problems in your relationship, it's you that needs to get this straightened out and it has nothing to do with your father.

In fact, it's not uncommon for couples to have problems with parents - and vice versa. Nobody is ever good enough for their little daughters! The reality however is that most people work through that. Your boyfriend needs to work through that for a number of reasons:

* It doesn't appear he really even knows your father very well. He simply sees what he sees from an outsider's point of view. Whether he agrees with it or not, it's none of his damn business. Further, the relationship your mom and dad have is between them and NOBODY (no, not even you!) really knows what it's all about.

* Your relationship with your father is an important one. Because it's important to you, it needs to be important to him too.

* Your boyfriend needs to put the responsibility for the problems where they really lay - with you. I'm not singling you out for any problems you may (or may not!) have, I'm simply saying that any problems a couple faces are because of the couple themselves. Family, friends, ex-lovers, pets, etc., have no bearing on this as only those two people control the effects created by outside influences.

In fact, this can be quite bad; not because he doesn't like your father for some nebulous reason (as I've already said, the problems he has with you are simply redirected to your father, not because of him), but because he's not dealing with the specific issue, choosing instead to brush it off to someone that you can't deal with.

I'm sure you dad is no saint either. We all have things we do that are both good and bad, but before your boyfriend sits in judgment of him, he should at least get to know him as a friend, more than just an acquaintance. If he does that and still doesn't like him, he doesn't have to be your dad's buddy. On the other hand, he shouldn't be redirecting his frustrations at dad either.

Now, care to talk about your insecurities???

Best regards



Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.

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