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Love Hurts

© Dr. Dennis Neder

Hello, I have a question for you.

Back in July 2000, I met this girl from Germany. She was an exchange student that my uncle hosted for a whole year. My uncle lived in California and brought her back home. When I saw her I couldn't believe it. I felt like I knew her before I even spoke to her. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever met.

I took her for a walk one night and tried to tell her just how I felt but I couldn't find the words to say. The way I feel is absolutely indescribable. She told me that she really likes me a lot but not exactly the same as I liked her.

The night before she left to go back to Germany I stayed up the entire night writing. Then I gave all 21 pages to her just before she left. It told her to never forget me and explained how I felt about her. Later in an email, she told me that it made her almost cry.

Everything I told her was straight from my heart and usually I am shy around most girls, but with her I felt like she was easy to talk to and easy to approach. For the first time in my life I actually found something very special.

Then the fall of 2001 came and my uncle was killed in an accident. She called me and told me she was coming. She flew all the way from Germany to be with my family and me. That's the kind of person she is. When she came I held her close told her how special she was to me. I think she understood a little better about how I feel.

I am in college now with a German/Business major, and she is going to a German University – the same university that I'll go to during my year of study abroad. Someday I hope to be working there in Germany. I'd give up anything for this girl. She's so special and I had the thought of asking her to marry me running through my head, but I know that she's not ready for that. I respect her enough to not rush things.

She told me she doesn't feel so strongly about me as I do for her. I honestly believe if we spent more time together things would grow between us. We are already close but I think we could get A LOT closer. I think she is afraid of the distance between us right now. I have thought about nobody else as far as girls in 2 going on 3 years. Now I think there has to be something there. In fact I feel just as strongly about my feelings as I did when we first met in 2000.

Let me know what you think and be honest about it.

THANKS!!!!


Hello!

Ok my brother, honesty is what you're going to get.

You've got nothing but problems with this "relationship" and in fact it is all in your mind. She has so much told you that she isn't interested in you, even if she is a very, very nice person. You can't love her enough to make her love you back. She has to want this for herself, and she has told you that she doesn't.

My brother, you're in college. This is the time you should be growing your experience with girls and instead, you're in love with someone half way around the world. Who knows how many perfect women you've passed by waiting for someone that you'll never have? Whether you're in your town or hers makes no difference, you're not in her heart the same way she is in yours.

Understand this, I've been exactly where you are right now. I fully understand what you're going through, but you've got a delusional situation going on. You've got to come to grips with the fact that you're not going to be with this girl in the way you want. That is a fact. As soon as you get it into your head, you can start healing, but not one minute before.

I'm sorry if this letter is harsh, but you need a real dose of reality. There is no magic in love; in fact, in it's most clinical sense, it is just a chemical process going on in your brain. The good news is that you can deal with it, get over it, and save it for someone that DOES want the same thing you do. And, that person will come along too - you just have to be open to her when she appears.

Good luck, much love...


About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.