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Lost Without a Trace

© Dr. Dennis Neder

Good Morning ---

I really enjoy reading your website!

I would like to know, why do men sometimes just cut you off (no communication) when they are dealing with their problems.

Long story short, I met someone last April --- things started out great, but then I found out he had been separated for about 7 years, and was divorced this past June. That's when things started going downhill.

He told me that I was the best person he ever met and that he really loved me. It went from very little communication earlier this year to no communication in May of this year. I sent him a father's day card and he left me a message at my job thanking me for the card/picture and stated how he really loves me and does not want to involve me in his situation. I really want to talk to him, but no, that is the worst thing I could do now.

What do I need to do?


Hello!

Thanks for the comments on the website (http://beingaman.com).

I fully understand what you're asking here. It seems that the men in your life should want to bring you closer when they have problems, but there's a very clear, valid reason why: it's tough to communicate with you.

Remember, I said a "clear, valid reason" - not "a good reason".

Here's the reality: men have a very difficult time putting our emotions into words. For women, this is very easy. You're actually programmed with this skill from birth. To us guys however, trying to express complicated emotions in words takes huge amounts of effort which confounds and frustrates us. Add to this the fact that we're going through a stressful problem as it is and we often don't want to make things worse by then having to work to explain to you how we feel.

There are probably other issues at play here too. For instance, divorces are EXPENSIVE. I'll bet his lifestyle has taken a very hard, very direct hit by this divorce. He probably doesn't want to have to explain all of this to you (would you?) and thus, feels better by just keeping you out of it entirely.

By the way, there actually ARE ways to get your boyfriend to talk to you about these things, but you have to make it easy for him. If you go to my website (noted above) and click on "Self Help"; there you'll find a link to "Search articles". Select that and enter "relationship questions". Finally scan down toward the bottom and you'll find a f.ree article that will tell you exactly how to help him talk about these issues with you.

Now, with that said, let's talk about your relationship.

In fact, when you're in a committed relationship with someone, you have the responsibility to keep your partner "in the loop" on these things - as difficult as that is. However, you're not going to get him to agree with this through brute force. Instead, I suggest you contact him via phone (good) or in person (best) and just say, "You know, we're together as a team and even if things aren't going really well right now, you can't just shut me out of this. I know it's hard and I'm here to help work through all of this with you - just as you'd do for me. Thus, I'm not going to accept this little "break" of yours."

Just be aware that he's going to resist this until he really knows that: a) you have his best interests at heart, and b) you're not going to make this more difficult by asking him huge, complex emotional questions about it and then pounding him for answers.

By the way, you might also want to take a look at the short video on my website breaks. Check under "BAM TV".

Best regards...



About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.