You are here: Home > Dating Advice Columnists > Dr. Dennis Neder > I'm A Snoop

I'm A Snoop

© Dr. Dennis Neder

Hello -

This is questions requires some background information.

My ex-boyfriend and I just broke up about a month ago after a two-year relationship because he got into medical school 7 hours from home, and I can't move because I had accepted a really great job. We decided that long distance would just tear us apart right now since everything is so new, so a break would be good for us both. Leading up to the break was tough, because we fought really hard to stay together, but in the end we knew a break was inevitable.

When we broke up, my boyfriend told me that I am the right person, but just it's the wrong time. We're young and need to establish ourselves. I totally agree, and thought he was really telling the truth. He's never lied to me, and I never thought he would, until...

I asked a mutual friend what my ex really thought about us breaking up and he told me that my ex really did believe he could see us getting back together one day. But me, being the insecure girl, had to know FOR SURE. So, I checked my ex's email. We both know each others' passwords, and I've never had a reason to check until now. I feel awful, but I never thought I'd find anything like this...

I found multiple emails from a woman he works with. They started the day after he and I broke up. She confessed her love for him, and now he's VERY into it. Thing is, she is 30, married, and has two young children. He is 23, single and off to medical school this fall.

He's talking about wanting to be with her, and she wants to leave her husband. It's unreal. Just totally, unreal.

It's hard knowing this information when he still tries to talk to me. I told him I'd call him a week after week broke up, but I didn't. He texted me twice and emailed, asking why I haven't talked to him. I just can't when I know what's really going on.

I have no idea what's going on with him. I don't even know him anymore. Is this a coping mechanism? Rebound? I would just like your thoughts!


Hello!

Why, oh why did you snoop into your ex's email?? Don't you know: crimes of privacy are the WORST crime you can commit in any relationship? This is even worse than cheating!

In fact, you really don't know what the context of all those emails is. You don't know it from the "inside" any more than someone knows what went on in your relationship with him. Even worse, you've harmed yourself in the process - and likely damaged this relationship far beyond repair. Even if he never knows about this snooping (which I hope you have the good sense NOT to tell him about it), you still have to live with the knowledge of having done it - and your own tortured thoughts about what it all means. Jackie, he can never know about this - you're going to have to bear the burden for having been too nosy and insecure. It's not fair to unload this on him now for you being a jackass.

I don't read minds, and thus, I can't tell you what it all means. I know one thing: there is no such thing as a "rebound relationship". That's just a sound-byte that many people use to explain complicated emotional situations like yours.

I suggest that you just let this go and get healed. Let him go off to medical school and get focused on your new job. Maybe in a few years you and he can rebuild a friendship, but frankly, I doubt even this. Until you get healed however, you're always going to be burdened with this image in your own head. Unfortunately, it was self-inflicted and totally unnecessary.

The good news is that once you do get healed, you'll then be ready for a new relationship with someone else and you'll (hopefully) have learned a valuable lesson from all of this.

Best regards...



About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.