I have been separated from my wife for 8 months now. We have three kids, and have been married for 6 years. Arguments became a daily occurrence a few years ago but never went beyond giving the other the silent treatment, on occasion voices were raised but never in front of the children.
About a year ago I think I started to notice the gap between us. She goes to bed early 8:30 - 9:00 with the kids falling asleep in the bed maybe twice a week and I will sleep downstairs on the couch which was fine the first 25-30 times. After a while I got sick of just not being able to sleep in my own bed and our sex life is non-existent. We have tried professional help which worked for a couple days then back into the same old rut until our next appointment.
My ex keeps the books at our house and I work. I knew we had a few minor debts but one night she had done the bills and I came home from being out with a buddy and they were out in plain sight. I found that one of the credit cards had a balance over $13,000!!!! My heart just dropped and I got pissed.
The day after I had saw the statement I confronted her about it and she completely turned everything around on me because I was still working 55-65 hour weeks 7 days a week providing food and shelter. Finally she accused me of having an affair! I have not been unfaithful and I never would. It got so bad that we were screaming and she told me to leave the house.
I did for sanity's sake and I spent the night at my friends and went back the next day to find that locks had been changed and a note that read "I'll be home at 7 so you can get your stuff."
I was floored. I had no where to stay and nothing with me. I've been at my dad's house for the past 6 months paying him rent paying and also paying the mortgage on the house I don't live in, all the bills, etc., and I'm fed up with it. She wont let me back in but hasn't decided if she wants a divorce. I couldn't afford to get a layer to divorce her even if I wanted to!
I get to see my kids only on days when there is no dance class or band practice or play dates (which is rare) but I'm not able to tuck them in a night or see them on a daily basis really put me in a funk.
My dad recommended that I check out some on-line chat rooms for separated/divorced people see if I could relate and get advice, which I did. I stumbled into this chat room and a girl messaged me asking if it wanted to talk. I said sure and we started sharing stories and just getting acquainted.
We've been talking for 2 months through email and most recently on the phone for the past two weeks. I enjoy the time we have together and we've expressed our growing feeling for each other. We have no plans to meet as she lives a distance away in California so I haven't brought it up.
I'm so confused as to what to do. I am not even out of a marriage, nor am I really in it either and I think I'm falling for some girl over the internet and phone. If you can decipher any of this rambling and offer any advise it would be greatly appreciated.
Hello!
I'm not really sure what advice I can offer you. It appears that your (ex-)wife is on the exit plan and is holding your house, your bills, your kids - and your balls - hostage!
That doesn't have anything to do however with being interested in someone else! Right now, having someone you're attracted to is probably the best thing that could happen to you as long as nobody finds out! This could be used against you if you start a divorce.
Let me throw in these little tidbits:
First, you absolutely DO NOT want your marriage to linger much longer! If you wait too long or she can show you've been together, for 10 years, you'll have to pay her FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!! Thus, as tough as it is right now, you've got to do something right away. If you're going to get a divorce, go get it started. Turn off the phone in the house if you have to (they're in your name, right?) but retain an attorney right away.
Which leads to the second point: YOU want to be the one to start the proceedings. If you don't, SHE holds all the cards, and let me make this perfectly clear: she ALREADY has an advantage because she a woman. That's the way it is. Our courts believe that you "rented" her during your marriage and therefore, you will have to pay for it. If you flie, you have control of where things go. If she files, she has all the control.
You don't know what that $13,000 bill was, but I'll bet it wasn't to buy you birthday presents. Only she knows what it was for, but the bottom line is that you have neither control of it nor knowledge of what it was. Perhaps it was to buy someone else birthday presents? I'd suggest you cancel any credit cards she has while keeping your own in order to protect your own finances.
Interestingly, I think you can actually sell the house if you wanted to - and you don't need your wife's permission to do so! It might be a problem showing it, but you don't have to use a key to get in. You have just as much right as the co-owner of being there as she does!
Lastly, as one of my attorney friends says, "cash can't be easily traced." You can bet your ass that as soon as she gets wind of something happening, she's going to drain any bank accounts you have. I'd suggest you get there first.
My brother, I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation, but don't let it linger. Get it handled so that you can heal and move on. Maybe you and NY-girl can put something together, but consider that long-distance relationships are even tougher than what you are in right now.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder, Relationship Author & Columnist
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!
Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.
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