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How to Not Stiffen Up on the Approach

© Dr. Dennis Neder

Hello Doc:

I like this girl in my class and everyday before I go to school I am confident about approaching her. Every time I get the chance to however, I get all stiff. Today for example, when I was sitting only a few inches from her I couldn't even bring myself to talk to her. Can you tell me what is going on and what I can do to stop it?


Hello!

Yes, you're actually programming your mind to stiffen up instead of using your mind to help you.

This is a powerful key and if you can learn to use it to your advantage, you'll be way ahead of your buddies that are trying to meet girls too. To start, let's play a little game:

Try this: take a moment and just relax. While you're in a calm, relaxed state, try to NOT think of a white rabbit. Go ahead, try to NOT think of a white rabbit - don't try to think of something else, just try to NOT think of a white rabbit. Go ahead...I'll wait.........

Ok, did you try? More important, did you do it? Of course not - you can't do it! It's impossible because that's not how our minds work! You can only THINK of a white rabbit, you can't NOT think of one. This is the key to solving your problem.

When you imagine talking to this girl, you probably get all nervous inside - even though you think you're feeling confident. This powerful emotion is actually programming your mind to stiffen up - in effect, you're saying "I'm NOT going to be stiff!" and guess what happens? You get stiff! Your mind is simply doing exactly what you've been telling it to do all this time.

What you want to do is two things:

1) You want to practice being calm, relaxed and confident when you think about talking to her. You want to imagine yourself talking to her like she was some old buddy and you're in charge. Imagine her laughing and having a great time talking to you. After all, that's what you really want to happen, right? You've got to practice that in your mind first. If you feeling yourself tensing up just stop, regain your composure and start again. This is how you turn off that stiffening mechanism.

2) You always want to go forward with your goals - never hesitate. In the pick-up game, we talk about the "3-second rule". This means that if you don't start moving to the close within 3 seconds, you're lost simply because you'll talk yourself out of it.

Now, I teach my students to do a few things before those 3-seconds, but the point is the same - you've got to practice moving forward on your plans or guess what? You're programming your mind to NOT move forward.

Give these a try over the next 3-4 days. The more you practice it the better at it you'll become. Then, when you see the girl the VERY NEXT TIME, don't hesitate. Just walk right up to her and say hello. Don't worry; your mind will make your practice come true.

Best regards...



About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.