Why Doesn't He Want What I Want?
© Dr. Dennis Neder
I have a dating dilemma and hopefully you can help me.
I have been dating this man on and off for 1 1/2 years. The first 3-4 months of dating was dinner once twice a week, kissing and nothing else. Then I found out that he had a girlfriend. When I told him I knew. He said he wanted to continue seeing me but needed some time to wrap things up with his girlfriend.
He would call and leave me "missing, thinking of you messages" but the dates became less frequent; maybe once or twice a month. We always had a good time but I could not really be 100% myself knowing there was someone else.
He suggested meeting me in another city for a couple of days (due to our travel schedules) but at last minute cancelled. He wanted to reschedule to somewhere else to make it up to me. I first was ok with it, because it takes a awhile to unwind a situation, I then ran out of patience and told him how I felt and that I was getting frustrated waiting for a relationship.
Then I met a co-worker of his at a party, who told me things with the girlfriend had begun to cool down. I told this person, I was glad that I had yet to sleep with him. The next day I got a phone call, from my guy complaining about my conversation with his co-worker. He insisted on coming over.
When he got to my house, he stated he was not mad at me, and started kissing me. I did not say a word and went with it (due to how many times I told him what I wanted and how I felt) we had sex. Afterwards, I've received no phone call or anything. Four weeks went by and I could not take it anymore so I left a message or two letting him know I cant believe I waited this long and was feeling rejected, humiliated etc., etc. He called back once on my voice mail and left a message but didn't try again.
A couple of weeks passed and it was his birthday. I called to wish him a happy birthday but lost my nerve and hung up. He called back. We made a plan to meet for dinner. Over dinner, I asked him why he didn't call, he stated he left my house, happy, smile on his face etc., etc. but that he did not know what the next step was. He also said, I knew he was still involved with his girlfriend. He then told me that he never dated a girl with her act together and it scares him. He them drove me home and I asked to kiss him (he was being pretty passive) we then ended up having sex again.
So again, I waited and there was no phone call. It has been 2 weeks. I then left a couple of messages telling him I can't believe this his happening again. Shame on him the first time, shame on me the second time.
I just don't understand. What's wrong with me, or the vibe I give off to get this type of treatment? Why I don't deserve a call. Why do my words mean nothing?
Can you help clarify this for me?
First of all, I think it's a little unfair to be so unhappy with him because he has a girlfriend! Let me explain: women do this all the time. They go from boyfriend to boyfriend something like crossing a stream by jumping from rock to rock. However, women expect men to be completely unencumbered before they pursue someone else. I know this isn't your question, but I raise the issue simply for perspective.
You also seem to put all the pressure on him to call you. Then, when you finally can't take it any more, you call him and blame him for not calling. What's wrong with you calling him in the first place? Just because he doesn't follow your particular script, doesn't mean that he's mistreating you.
There is another problem with this story. You continue to talk about what you and he said, but aren't paying attention to the actions. If he doesn't call you for weeks - or months on end - what exactly is he saying with that behavior? Frankly, that's a much more important clue than anything he says, or his responses to what you say.
You've got to make a decision for yourself and your life. Just what is it that you want? Do you want this kind of relationship where you don't know what's going on with someone, or do you want to be with someone that shows you via his actions that he wants to be with you? I'll bet it's the latter, and if so, you've also answered the question of what do to.
The real key to good relationships is simply to decide what you want up-front. Don't let someone else do that for you. Then, all you have to do is to measure the actions of someone against your goals and see if they fit. If they don't (as this case apparently doesn't), it's time to move on and find a situation that DOES fit.
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!
Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.