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Girlfriend Travels with Ex-Boyfriend

© Dr. Dennis Neder

I am in a serious relationship with this girl, and we are seriously contemplating getting engaged in the future. However, we often get stuck on one issue: her ex-boyfriends. She keeps in touch with several. She has always been very honest with me about them, but it is obvious that she is very good, old friends with a couple of them, and it makes me uncomfortable at times. Yet, as far as trust goes, I do trust her. She has never given me a reason not to, and we have an extremely intimate relationship.

The problem arises from the fact that before she met me she had planned to go to Egypt with a guy that she has been friends with since high school (she just graduated from college, I am graduating this year). She did not date this guy, but she has told me that they did sleep together, fairly recently (just over a year ago, before we met). Now she is over traveling in Egypt with him, and what is worse, they are frequently sharing rooms while traveling the country!!

Still, I am confident nothing is actually happening, but she just fails to realize how much this hurts me. A large problem is that she used to be in a two year relationship where the guy was extremely jealous and overly controlling, to the point where she told me he even wouldn't let her leave her house sometimes. She has deep scars from this, and is very sensitive to being controlled.

Two other things complicate the scenario.

The first is that when we started dating, our relationship originally had a sort of expiration date. I was leaving the country to go study for half a year to finish my degree, and she was going to spend a few weeks in Egypt and then move to the Middle East for an indefinite period of time. (Our majors are International Studies, to explain the traveling theme here...). It was implied that we were going to break up when I needed to leave for my studies (I was scheduled to leave first). Yet we both fell very hard in love with each other. Still, I left her when the time came, and this was a decision we both agreed upon. Unfortunately, after less than a week of being gone, I realized that I was hopelessly in love with her, and decided to do the romantic, chivalrous thing, and I came back and surprise her and proclaimed my undying love for her. She took me back, and I stayed with her for about two months until she was scheduled to leave for the Middle East. We decided that I should finish my studies abroad at that time, and she would stay in the Middle East until I did, then come back for me and we would get a place together. She also explained the traveling-in-Egypt-with-this-guy-she-has-slept-with scenario (I hadn't known the history of her and this guy before). She felt really bad about it, but she told me she had a responsibility to follow through on the plans she had made with her friend, and seeing as how I didn't consult her before coming back to be with her, I wasn't really in a place to argue.

The second is that travelling the world together is something we have both dreamt of doing, and are now planning to do as soon as I graduate. Yet right now I feel even worse because she is traveling with this other guy instead of me, even if it is just for a couple weeks.

Now, she is over there and the damage is done. We have also had several very serious arguments about this issue, to the point where it is making her doubt our future. She is afraid that I won't be able to get over her relationships with her exes, which is the reason why she has had to break up with almost every serious relationship she has had in the past. I have asked her to do little things to make me feel better, but she always gets angry because she starts to feel like I am controlling her. Most recently I asked her for them to stay in seperate rooms. She said that she would, but that it was going to cost her a lot of extra money, that she would have to pay for his rooms (she has some money saved up, this other guy is broke), and she would resent me for making her to do this. I buckled and told her to just do what she felt was right. They have since shared several rooms together. Though, she did talk with this guy for me before she did and to make sure he understood nothing was going to happen between them. This was her way of trying to make me feel okay with the situation.

I still feel like I have a right to be injured. I feel she owes me a very deep apology for putting me through this and has a lot of work to do to make me feel comfortable with her and her exes. But I do not know how to approach it anymore... I am afraid I will upset her. Our communication is often bad, because of the technology as well as we keep ending up in arguments, which are very, very stressful when it is long distance. I will also not see her in person for several months while I finish my studies. Should I wait to talk to her? What should I tell her? What is reasonable for me to be feeling? We both love each other dearly, but I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think she knows either.

Please help. I badly need advise.


Hello!

Well now! Doesn't she have you wrapped up in a nice, neat, little package??? She wants to do whatever the hell she wants to do - even travel with past sex partners, stay with them, etc., and she has you held at arm's length making up for over-controlling past boyfriends. Sounds like a pretty convenient deal - for her!

Further, she's making your concerns the issue here - rather than the fact that this is just terribly disrespectful on HER part to you and your relationship with her! She's obscuring the truth by using misdirection - you and your issues with her ex-boyfriends.

She's not taking any responsibility here whatsoever; further, it's not you both that love each other "dearly". It's YOU that loves her dearly and she loves HERSELF and her options dearly - more dearly than the relationship with you. Let's be absolutely clear on that point.

Here's the reality: this is totally and completely disrespectful of her for you and your relationship. When you get into a committed relationship you have to be willing to give up some things in order to get other benefits. She's not willing to give up her freedom to do whatever she damn well pleases to do. That's not a relationship at all. You're simply someone she sets on the shelf and pulls down when she needs him, but ignores him - and his needs, wants, desires, etc., - whenever it's not "convenient" for her. Frankly, this woman is a self-absorbed, self-involved, selfish bitch!

You need to wake up and see this for what it really is - it's about HER controlling YOU in order to have exactly what she wants without compromise.

Travelling somewhere with anyone other than her boyfriend is a huge slap in the boyfriend's face and she knows you're too much of a coward to stand up for yourself and demand the type of treatment you deserve - or you'll walk. So, here you sit with her traveling - and let's also be clear about this - having sex with this other guy. Don't kid yourself. This is what's really going on. I know because I see it all the freakin' time! You'd better come to your senses and realize what this is.

The biggest reason why you need to realize this isn't even the respect issue - it's that by tolerating it, you're being a huge pussy in HER EYES. She knows she can walk all over you and you'll just sit there because you're "in love". That translates to her owning your testicles and every other part of you.

Here's what you need to do: kick this idiot to the curb. Tell her that you absolutely, positively WILL NOT be treated with this disrespect that she actually thinks she has some right to throw at you. If you don't have the balls to do it, tell her that I said so. Trust me, she'll never write to me to claim otherwise because she AND I know the difference!

You're also going to have to realize that the months you two are apart is simply another chance for her to find someone else with more power and whom is worthy of respect - and she's going to be looking. What she says and what she does are not in sync here. It's actions, not words that mean everything. Her actions speak very loudly: you're a convenience when you do whatever she wants you to do - and when she has the time for you - and you're a bother every other time.

Some relationship!

Worse yet, you have every bit of power to talk which is the only thing she seems to understand. No wonder her ex-boyfriends dumped her! She's looking for someone strong enough to tell her what they expect and instead, she has someone that's "understanding" and "trusting" all when she hasn't earned any of it.

Best regards...

About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.