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Does My Boyfriend Appreciate Me

© Dr. Dennis Neder

Hello Doc!

I've been dating a guy for awhile now. I haven't had many relationships, so I'm getting used to moving out of the honeymoon stage.

My problem is, I know it's normal to get used to people and kind of let your faults come through as you get more comfortable with the person. I'm just worried about having my boyfriend respect me. I'm having a hard time seeing the difference between him being more relaxed and inconsiderate and us just being more comfortable with each other.

He used to be very "gentleman like" and considerate. Now, sometimes I wonder if I even show up on his radar. For example, I parked near his house a few nights ago. He's supposed to call in that someone is parking on the street, but has sometimes gotten away with not doing it.

The next morning, I found a ticket on my car, but he took no responsibility for it and blamed me instead. He told me that I better pay it soon and didn't even offer to pay it.

I don't know if I should say something to him or just let it go. In general, this is just an example of how I just feel like he's taking me for granted. I'm not sure where the line is between getting comfortable with someone, and being disrespected.


Hello!

Just to be clear, let's separate two things here. NOT calling in that you parked at his house was inconsiderate of him; however, it's YOUR car and it's YOUR job to remind him and to make sure that you're parked legally. Not offering to pay for your ticket isn't inconsiderate at all. He's just expecting you to be a grown-up.

What's most apparent is that you think you're being slighted in this relationship. There is usually a pretty big line between what women want and what men think is appropriate in these things.

Many women use men's level of attention and "gentlemanly conduct" as an indicating of whether we care about you. Nothing could be further from the truth!

In many ways, our world (a "man's world") is very different from yours. For instance, we are expected to live by unspoken codes of honor, to make clear decisions and to live by them. Women in our culture don't live under the rules. We often expect our buddies to uphold them too - and often, our girlfriends as well!

What that often looks like to women is that we don't care about them simply because we've made them "buddies" that we have sex with. Not so! In a man's world, there's nothing more important to us than our buddies! In effect, we "elevate" women to that status. Younger men usually forget that women want other things.

I know this is somewhat difficult to grasp, so let me give you a list of what you should expect in a "healthy relationship":

• Trust. Guys will give you lattitude based on how much we trust you.
• Respect. We may joke around with you, tease you and even push you sometimes, but we have general respect for you.
• Closeness. This is where we share things with you that we wouldn't even tell our buddies. In effect, we "let you in".
• Love. Obviously!
• Consideration. In other words, we make decisions about our lives built around you (and this is a big one) if we start making plans without considering you, your needs, your plans, etc., you're likely losing us!

There are many other less-important things, but I think you're getting the idea. Notice how I didn't add sex to the list? There's a reason why: sex is implied. If you take sex out of the equation, you'll almost always lose us. Thus, we don't even need to factor that in.

Take a look at your relationship and determine where you fit on these top-5 points with your boyfriend. If he's not giving you these things regularly, (because we all slip sometimes), you may very well be being taken for granted.

Best regards...



About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.