You are here: Home > Dating Advice Columnists > Dr. Dennis Neder > Dating Dilemma or Delusion?

Dating Dilemma or Delusion?

© Dr. Dennis Neder

Hey Doc:

I'm 20 years old and have dated 5 girls. The first left me because I did whatever she wanted for her and was a wuss. The second left me because I said she could only be my girlfriend if she had sex with me and I didn't respect her views. The third left because I made an issue of disrespect. The fourth left because she was a druggy and I seemed like I didn't party enough. The fifth now because we made it right to the point of sex, and then she had her period so we couldn't do it, and she was absolutely beautiful.

Because my life is a nightmare, before I saw her the next time things went real wrong and it looks like she lost total interest, so I got stuck at the edge of sex. I'm a virgin who is seriously questioning the motivation of girls. They claim to care about me or be interested and I never get to have them fully.

The most recent one is the hardest because she is so gorgeous. I don't know how to set my mind free, I mean it's like my life is designed such that I fuck up in a variety of ways before I have sex. This girl was saying things like "oh my god, I want it so bad", etc. the night she couldn't have sex with me. I mean how can a guy deal with being so close to being with a hot chick, to having it stripped away? Honestly I didn't do anything drastically wrong!

She forgot my birthday anyway, so she doesn't really care about me I guess, but it just hurts me inside that I now feel like I'm good enough to date these girls, but when it comes to the final decision of sex its like I'm not good enough. Most recently I've heard the line "once you have sex there's no going back." There's no going back she said! This is life and she's saying that she will regret being with a person such as me despite being physically attracted!

I mean I feel like dog shit. What can I do to ease my mind, because it seems like no matter how I act, I get screwed over. Maybe it's because I'm not acting as myself, I don't know. Please help!


Hello!

You've got a number of problems going on here.

First of all, you're giving way too much up front without getting anything you need in return. You (mistakenly) believe that if you just give enough, these girls will feel obligated to you and will finally throw you some pity sex. No, it doesn't work that way.

Sex has to be something that is PART of the equation - not the solution to the formula. You invest yourself along the way, but you also expect her to invest herself too. Now, keep in mind that girls want to bang your lights out - all of these girls did - until you didn't make it a priority. In effect, you gave them a "pass" until you felt you had given enough.

Stop that crazy shit already!!

I have a personal rule that I teach my students: have a "not to exceed" period. For instance, decide right up front how many dates you'll "invest" in a girl until you have sex. My personal rule is only 3 dates! No shit! If we're not getting down by date #3, I move on. (I can already hear the women readers of this board gasping!)

Here's the reason: you can't know what her agenda is (and trust me all women have them) and thus, if I try to guess it, I'm left just trying to react to it. That's not good enough for me and it's not good enough for you!

You have few enough rights in any relationship, but setting the tone, direction and timing are examples of them. YOU get to decide where your relationship is going and how fast it'll get there. As soon as you take that responsibility/right seriously, women will start reacting positively to it.

You also need to understand that women will always throw "LMR" ("Last Minute Resistance") at you with sex. They have to. It's all about the "slut factor" that I won't get into here, but suffice it to say, you're always going to get this. You need to learn how to deal with it. When a woman tells you she wants you - she wants you already! Unless she says flat-out "no", it's not a "no" at all - it's a "yes".

Also, you don't need to worry about having sex with a woman during her period. If she's adamant against it, that's one thing, but frankly, few women are. Just put a towel down in the bed and plan a shower afterward, but don't let that be an excuse to stop unless she's completely against it.

You need to learn how to "convert". Conversion happens at every major step: you convert from the approach to digits. You convert from digits to dates. You convert from dates to sex and you convert from sex to relationships. There are other conversions even after this too!

They key is that you convert when it's your time - not hers. You're waiting way too long! You WANT to get to sex early because (as I've already said) this is HER investment. If you're doing all the giving she never feels involved in the relationship. Don't make sex a big deal, but realize that it's important.

Ultimately, you need to get a completely new education about women - and your place in their worlds. You've been using the wrong game plan for all the wrong reasons. No wonder you're not succeeding! I strongly encourage you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and change that education already. Stop being taken advantage of by the very women that want you to know what you should be doing instead!

Best regards.



About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.