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My Boyfriend Has Changed His Mind

© Dr. Dennis Neder

Hello Doc!

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We just got engaged in December 2003 and everything was fine until this last week. He said he is not sure if he can go through with wedding because he thinks he will feel trapped.

We have been living together for last year and a half and everything has been great. He is currently on other side of country for work. This is first time he has been living permanently for last three months in another place. He is a merchant marine and is usually on the ship but this time he is portside. He went directly to living with parents or staying with friends when off ship to living with me and never got to live on his own as I did. He now is having second thoughts.

We don't see each other much when he is gone. I saw him about 6 weeks ago when I went to visit him there, but we haven't seen each other in three months.

He says he is conflicted because he loves me to death and I am perfect in his eyes and he knows he would regret it if he didn't go through with wedding but on other hand he doesn't know if he can do it. When we got engaged I made sure that he was ready and kept asking him and he said yes. He said he was excited and couldn't imagine life without me.

The bad thing is I wont see him for about a month more because of his job. He said he would try to come home for a long weekend so we can discuss it properly and then he also says maybe he just has jitters and maybe he just needs to come home. He started getting freaked out when I started hassling him about getting church lined up. What should I do? Why all of a sudden is he thinking this way? What did I do to cause this?


Hello!

Do you know why people say that you shouldn't give someone a pet on Valentine's Day or Christmas? Because people get caught up in the moment of the holiday and never stop to think about the pet itself. In fact, many of these pets get sent to the pound a few weeks after being given a new home because the owner never thought about the work involved in having the pet.

Many people get engaged around the holidays because they are focused on family and friends and feeling good. Many do this as a form of "Christmas gift" only to realize that later on it wasn't such a great gift as they weren't ready to give it. Perhaps this is why your boyfriend is now pulling back on this.

So, next you ask, "Ok, that's understandable, but why won't he go through with it anyway?"

The answer isn't so simple, but involves the fact that men and women see marriage in very different ways. To you, marriage means commitment, security, future, family, and love. To men, marriage often means responsibility, loss of freedom, loss of choice and stress.

Add to this the fact that even though you live together, he's often away from home for extended periods of time. This amounts to a long distance relationship, and if you've read many of the other articles I've written, you know that I strongly advise people against these.

With all this to consider, I'd recommend that you both rethink the marriage. Under the circumstances, it doesn't look like it's going to really give you what you ultimately want - a great relationship. Further, that is where your focus should be - on the quality of the relationship rather than the format.

Best regards...

About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.