Being a Coward and Taking It Slow
© Dr. Dennis Neder
I met this really beautiful girl last semester. I'm about to turn 35 and she's about to turn 21. I asked her out, and things were going very well between the two of us. We were spending part of almost every day together, with weekends being almost all day. We were going places and having fun, and I even took her on a trip to see her favorite team play. Both of us had never been happier.
This was the first relationship for her. I've browsed the Internet, and as far as flirting signals go, she gave me virtually all of them! Well, I wanted to go slow with this girl to show her and her parents I respected her. I met her parents Thanksgiving, and they both seemed to like me then...Not so after Christmas for some reason. They knew there was an age difference, as did she. Everybody seemed fine with it.
Then, things started to go bad. I got very sick the first week of December. I was hoping to be able to kiss her about this time, but didn't want to give her my infection. I even gave her candy kisses when we went to the Christmas dance together and told her she could trade them in later for the real thing. She went home for Christmas and was gone for a month. When she returned, I noticed a change in how she was responding to me.
In the middle of January, she gave me back the kisses, and demanded that I kiss her "for real". I was still a little sick but finally gave in and gave her a couple of light kisses on the lips. This was her very first kiss. I could tell she seemed disappointed. So I asked her about it. She said she wasn't, but I could tell she was by her body language.
From there, everything went downhill. Literally. The next night, she told me she needed time & space, and that she didn't want to date anymore. After numerous calls to her and her avoiding me, I finally got a call from her dad telling me to leave her alone!
Do you think it was a confidence issue, or her dad, or a combination of both?
Thanks for your help.
Congratulations - you've turned her into a lesbian! (just joking)
This "take it slowly" attitude is your undoing. You've completely destroyed any chance you'll ever have with this woman out of that attitude. This is exactly where your lack of confidence was rooted out by her and her family.
Women don't want to date other women (unless...well, you know), they want to date MEN. I get letters all the time from women that complain about this very fact. They crave the things that we are as men because it's so different from what they are.
By taking it slow, what you're really saying is that you're a coward. You're afraid to move things along at a normal pace. Further, you don't really understand how women think or feel. They want to be swept off their feet by a man that knows what he wants and where he's going. You spent all sorts of time and money on her but never gave her what she really wanted.
Do you know what differentiates a "date" from two friends getting together? A kiss! But, not that friendly kiss on the cheek - it's has to be a full mouth, romantic, expressive kiss. It has to say "Hey there's more here than just familiarity."
This was her first experience with a pseudo-boyfriend, and it went very poorly. When she meets a real man, she's going to see how things should be - and why you actually harmed her first experience! Sorry ol' boy, that's the way it is. Her father and brother see this, and believe me, their not going to let her get even more of that treatment from you.
My brother, do yourself a favor and get your education straightened out. Get a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World" and learn what the game is really all about. Until you do, you're going to be stuck in this same deadly cycle. I think you deserve more, don't you?
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!
Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.