I've been a nice guy all my life. Upbringing taught me to be nice to everyone. I open doors for women, compliment them, laugh with them, do nice things for them such as favors and such. What do I get in return? "You're so sweet and thoughtful.." I HATE that phrase!
I have been so unlucky with women because of this nice guy syndrome. I've even started reading books on how to be an Alpha male but you know what? The nice guy mindset still comes out. I'm tempted to just become a jerk and see where that will get me. I am confident so there is no problem in that area. Women just seem to want a man that can treat them badly it seems.
What is with this? Help!!
Hello!
Actually, this is an excellent question! There's a dichotomy and huge misunderstandings about all of this. I'll try to explain it, but it's a little complicated, so stick with me.
The short answer is yes, women want "nice guys", BUT (here's where things get complicated), they don't want them to start out as nice guys. They want them to become one later on.
There's tons of science behind this that I'm not going to bore you with. Let me just tell you the facts.
Women need to feel safe and secure with a guy in order to feel love. We offer some very important things that most women lack - I don't care what the feminists say! My own research bears this out time and time again. The problem is that women fight their own internal needs and drives in order to comform with images they get from a media that simply promotes agenda. It's difficult for many women to come to grips with these huge differences. An interesting aside however is that any guy that learns how this works and can bring it to her is an instant hero - and the woman benefits from being able to reconcile it all the rest of her life; but I digress.
When you act like you're disinterested, are a challenge, seem like a basic jerk and any of the 1001 other concepts you've read in some books; you present an image of greater power to the women you meet. This power translates to the ability to provide, protect, etc.
Nice guys come off as needy and wanting. They seem "sensitive" and are more in need of mothering than an Alpha or a jerk. Now, understand that this appeals to some women, but they are the minority. Most of the women you meet aren't like this, so the nice-guy image won't work in the vast majority of the cases simply because you won't appeal to her basic inner needs.
Now, some guys actually ARE jerks. They don't change from this image at all, and it's these guys that so many women are attracted to, get used by and get dumped by that they have become the major complaint of these women! You've heard all the stories, and unfortunately, many of them are true! The problem is that these girls are making the wrong choices - it's not the guys at all!
Now, enter the guy that knows how to use these same attributes and meet, approach and close a woman, and continues them through the "sales process" and most women will be hooked. Then, slowly revert to the nice-guy thing again, but keep the jerk available when you need him again (and you WILL need him again - this is something I describe in my books as "The Test"), and you'll be the guy that almost any woman can fall in love with.
Now, here's the good news. You can still be a nice guy IF (and frankly, ONLY IF) you build the right mindset in up front. This is what BAM ("Being a Man...") is all about. It's about expressing those things that women crave - and learning WHY they crave them while integrating all of this into your own personality.
I believe that if you know WHY something is true, you'll automatically be able to answer all the "what's" about it. The problem that I see is that so many people teach technique and not foundations. Thus, unless you become the exact guy these books promote, you can't possibly be successful in their way. That's a waste in my humble.
So, therein lies your challenge. You have to learn the RIGHT sort of jerk-attitudes, figure out when to apply them properly and when to pull back and you'll be that "chick magnet" you hear so much about. This is why you want to know WHY things are true - not WHAT is true.
Finally, no, women don't want a man that treats them badly, (unless the girl is pretty fucked up; and there are plenty of those around too!) What they want is a guy that can be the powerful - but loving - partner they need. When a girl finds this guy, she throws everything she has into him. All that "independent woman" crap (a complete, manufactured fallacy by the way) goes right out the window.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder, Relationship Author & Columnist
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!
Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.
Flirting
