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Air-Sick Bag, Please!

© Dr. Dennis Neder

Doc:

I met a young lady on a matrimonial website and we hit it off very well. She had a prior relationship 3 years ago that she ended and admits to feeling guilty about as she sorta "strung the guy along" and did not verbalize her concerns regarding their relationship that she felt wasn't everything she wanted.

This young lady suggested to me that we need to meet in the early stages to assess if we should move forward with the relationship. I agreed and visited her last week after a month and a half of communicating and we had a great time...very relaxed, fun and open. We kissed and to describe the intensity of the passion, our tongues were on fire. She later told me that she felt something was missing and she wasn't feeling something but still wanted to give it a try with me. She wanted things to "flow freely without defining anything".

I understand that she is in final semester of grad school and has a lot going on in her life...I am just wondering what she is feeling and what I should do.

I like this girl and I feel there is a lot of healthy and mature potential but am I wasting my time here?

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Hello!

Arrrggghhhh!!!! What the hell??? A "matrimonial website"???? Pardon me just a minute while I pull out my air-sick bag. Please enjoy some soothing music...

"Dum da-dee-da-dum-dum-da-dee-da...the girl from Ipanema goes walking..."

Ok...that's better.

==WARNING: STERN LECTURE TO FOLLOW==

Please. What's going on here? Is being married your goal or finding someone that is a good, healthy partner your goal? Believe me, they are mutually exclusive!

Well...let me tell you what HER goal is: to get married. All of this "flow freely" and "something was missing" crap is all misdirection.

She's looking for someone to take care of her. Ok, fine. You're a terrific guy with most of your own teeth, but really - how can she (or YOU for that matter) even THINK about marriage? She doesn't know you at all other than superficially! How can she even know if you're missing qualities or not from a few minutes of tongue wrestling?

You need to consider the RELATIONSHIP, NOT THE FORMAT OF IT. Get it? MARRIAGE = FORMAT, NOT RELATIONSHIP. So does casually dating, living together, formally dating because your dogs are buddies, etc.

This is about the QUALITY of the relationship - NOT HOW THE RELATIONSHIP WILL EXIST SOME DAY. She's way down the road and doesn't really give a rats-ass about the person - other than her superficial view of him. She's focused on the MARRIAGE, along with all the bridesmaid's dresses, flowers, gifts, Champaign, etc.

Is that really what YOU want too? Doesn't it matter whom that person really is deep-down inside? Having a goal to be married some day if FAR different from actually trying to find a bride. The former one assumes that you've built a relationship WORTHY of a marriage and the latter, doesn't care - it's about the wedding and nothing much more.

Ok, now that's off my chest, let's continue...

In that little diatribe lies your answer. She has this nebulous idea of what she needs in order to feel safe in a MARRIAGE. Big deal! What about feeling safe in the relationship itself? That's the hard work - trust me! She's already told you that you don't have whatever it is that she thinks she needs. What happens if she just "settles" and you actually marry her anyway? Answer: likely, very, very bad things.

You wrote to me for my advice, and here it is: find someone that wants a great, healthy relationship - format not important. When you find her, build said relationship because it fits you both very well, and you BOTH are stronger and even better people because of it.

Then, when you're convinced of this, propose to her and see if she agrees with the format change.

DO NOT go looking for the format in hopes to get the relationship - it doesn't work that way.

Best regards...



About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.