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After the Fight

© Dr. Dennis Neder

Hello!

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 2 years. We had a big fight a couple of weeks ago, and after that she doesn't say "I love you" to me as much as she did before.

We are acting the same as before the fight to each other but I just want her to say I love you to me as much as she did before. She says it when we hang out and stuff, but not when we are on the phone.

I feel like it's a game; like she is waiting for me to say it first all the time now. Maybe I should do it?! That also made me more insecure and I hate that.

Give me some advice please - thanks!

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Hello!

First of all, nobody can "make" you feel insecure. That's something you do to yourself only. Whether or not you feel secure and confident are entirely up to you. Don't make her responsible for how you feel or you're going to be in a constant state of trying to please her to get what you should already have - a good sense of self.

Ok, so you need to hear the words "I love you" in order to feel loved. That's fine. You're likely to find that she has some other need. Everyone has something make makes them feel loved - some (like you) need to hear it. Others want to be shown and still others need to be touched in order to feel loved.

I'll bet your girlfriend has a different need than you do. When the fight happened, she reverted to what was most comfortable for her - and is different from you.

What you needt to do is to sit down with her and start by asking, "Honey, what things do I do that make you feel most loved?" Then, really listen as she explains it to you. You might have difficult really grasping it at first as it's going to be different than your own experience, but hang in there. Really get to understand her needs.

Then, once you do - and agree to work on giving it to her, explain to her that you need to hear the words back for YOU to feel loved.

If you both really want the other to understand how you feel about each other, then you'll both invest your energies into giving the other what they need - in their own particular language.

Best regards...



About the Author
Author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, Dr. Dennis Neder is dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships. His mantra: start having the relationships you deserve! New articles are posted every Wednesday!

Do you have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? Dr. Dennis Neder answers all email, so send him an email for answers. For more information about his books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products, please visit BeingAMan.com.