I was out on a date recently and during the course of our conversation, my date (who was very attractive) mentioned that she has a lot of "friends" and that she "doesn't need a relationship." I just kept smiling, nodded my head and said, "Oh yeah, tell me more".
She proceeded to tell me that she has various male friends that do things for her and that the car she's driving now was a "gift" and so forth. I was able (thanks to your coaching) to translate her 'women speak' into the fact that she has a small army of wimpy guys for "friends" that she only keeps as her "friends" because they can either:
1) Do something for her.
2) Buy something for her.
3) Take her out somewhere.
I just want to say, Doc, that had it not been for "The System," I probably would've joined her group of "friends," never gotten her respect and would have nothing but an empty wallet to show for it. (She actually called me a few days later with a seductive damsel in distress tone to her voice, asking me to help her with something. I took a pass.)
Please share this with your readers. I want to help you help as many guys as possible to not get sucked into this loser's game. Thanks a million!
Duncan - who would like to hear your comments on this
Although you almost never hear about it in the mainstream media, all you guys should be aware that there is a significant percentage of women out there who have no ethical conflict whatsoever with the idea of using men for favors while motivating them with false hopes of intimacy. To you Psych majors, don't expect to see a show about this on Oprah.
But let me make some distinctions here. There are different types of women who use men. Two of the most common are: Ovaria Mercenaria - The Mercenary and her cousin, The Queen Bee. The Mercenary differs from the Queen Bee in that once she has picked out as her mark, a man who will provide her with enhanced social status, unlimited financial resources, and a life of leisure, she will then give her body to him as her part of the bargain - but NOT her heart. She must, however, convince her victim that she has fallen in love with him. That's a crucial part of the con.
What distinguishes The Mercenary from The Queen Bee, is that there is, no matter how hollow and meaningless it may be, some tangible form of reciprocity given for the goodies that she gets. She does get intimate with her victim. (Although once a contract has been signed, i.e., marriage, the frequency of the intimacy often diminishes substantially.)
The Queen Bee, on the other hand, who is the subject of today's article, usually has a collection of several different men who provide her with goods and services and to whom she never gives more than a peck on the cheek. Her guy pals get to be her butler, banker and/or Mr. Fixit, but none of them ever gets to have a real relationship with her.
This tempestuous temptress plays dumb and acts as if she has no idea that the various guys in her orbit are attracted to her and are waiting and hoping that she will choose them to be her boyfriend. If she's ever asked about her relationship with one of them, she'll say, "Oh, he's a really great friend." When translated into English from women speak this means: "He's one of my stooges."
The sick thing is that this is all perfectly fine with Ms. "Me." As far as she's concerned, they're all lucky to be able to spend time with her, and they deserve to pay for the privilege. They give. She takes. That's the relationship. She keeps 'em comin' back for more by being as warm and sweet as sun drenched honey on the outside. But her heart is as cold as a week old cadaver.
One could argue, that these guys who follow her bidding like indentured servants deserve what they get (or to be more precise - what they don't get). But as my Cousin Sal, "The Fish" Love, would say, "In the game of Love, there are no victims, only volunteers."
The problem is that these fellows have allowed themselves to be hypnotized into believing that their investment in time, money and energy is winning them points and helping to build the Queen Bee's romantic Interest Level in them. But the opposite is true. The more hoops these guys jump through, the more the Q.B. chuckles with contempt for them. (Some of them wake up and save themselves from more abuse after only a few months of servitude. Others go on for years in a state of ignorance and denial like living zombies.)
The way to deal with this dangerous darling is to never get involved with her to begin with, no matter how beautiful she may be. Walk away from her the way you'd walk away from a losing crap table in a Vegas casino.
Yes, if you're an advanced student, you could use "The System" to play with her head, give her a taste of her own medicine, and get her to give you some respect. But here's the problem. You won't be able to change the essentially corrupt nature of her character, and you'd ultimately have to dump her anyway. You'd be much better off spending your time and energy courting a woman who is sweet and loving and giving.
Duncan, it sounds as if you may have had and experience in the past of playing the Queen Bee's chump. But this time around, thanks to "The System," you did the right thing. As they say in Australia - Good on ya! Men, let Duncan's savvy handling of this situation be an inspiration to you all.
Remember, guys: if you don't play with the Queen Bee, you can't get stung.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!