I have a question about how to end a date that's going in the dumper. Let's say that you're out with a girl that you've already spent some time with and you totally follow "The System" all the time that you're with her. (You keep the conversation fun and light. You keep your hands to yourself. You're a total gentleman while still being slightly mysterious, etc., etc.)
Then at the end of the evening, you go to kiss your date, and she turns away. That, of course, tells you that she doesn't and never did have any interest in you. And if this happens, Doc, you advise remaining cool and not getting uptight. You say its best to just go home, throw her number away, move on to the next adventure and not bother trying to get her to see how dishonest she's been.
Here's my question: Why not just say, "Why did you waste my time and jerk me around like this? Go rot in hell." Or, "I think its best that I tear up your damn phone number now! (With optional "you stupid bitch".) I mean, why beat around the bush? Why not just tell her off? Let her know that you're not buying into her little shell game. You might add in something more like, "Do you do this with all your dates? No wonder you're not married!"
Now, I know you're over there saying, "You've got to be a gentleman." Well, yeah, sure. But if you're never going to see her again, why not just let her have it?
What do you say Doc?
Nate - who wants to just tell it like it is
Hi Nate,
Listen, I understand the impulse to want to verbally strike back at a woman who has knowingly misled you. You think, "Man, she should have to burn a little bit here. She needs to know that there are consequences for such offensive behavior. Maybe she just doesn't get it. I've gotta make her understand how she's dissed me. She needs a dose of her own medicine, damn it!" Etc. etc. etc. But as you've already surmised, Nate, I do not recommend going down this path, and I'll tell you why.
But before we go on, let's get clear about who and what we're dealing with here. Who is this woman who engenders such rage and frustration? As you longtime readers know, I call her The Professional Dater. The Professional Dater is a woman who accepts and goes out on dates with men in whom she has no romantic interest whatsoever.
She enjoys the all expenses-paid-night out on the town with door-to-door car service. She enjoys being wined and dined. She enjoys getting attention and compliments from yet another male suitor. She delights in the feeling of being wanted by various guys who will do anything to get close to her (like a stripper who really likes her work.)
And …. she's a self-centered, self-serving user who's only showing up for her own pleasure and entertainment. She has no regard for the feelings of any of the men she exploits. She's morally and ethically corrupt.
But because the Professional Dater has such finely honed flirting skills, it's darn near impossible to tell that you've got one of these deceitful divas on your hands until you've spent three or four hours with her. Fortunately, by using my principles you CAN weed her out by the end of one date. Normally it might take you three or four dates, or even more before you finally discovered that you had a P.D. on your hands.
Now, on your quest to find the woman of your dreams, Nate, you're going to have to do a lot of dating; and if you do a lot of dating, you will have numerous encounters with Professional Daters. They are NOT a rare breed. The dating jungle is filled with them. Here's the point: whether you run into one or a hundred different P. D.'s it's not your job to be their daddy and to try to teach them the error of their ways.
If their own fathers didn't teach them to be respectful towards men, why should you try to take on the task? It requires too much energy expenditure, and a Professional Dater simply does not deserve any more of your time and energy. What you need to do is keep your own Karma clear and clean, bow out gracefully and maintain a positive attitude and a positive energy flow. To you Psych majors, just because she's a low-life doesn't mean you should be one too.
Here's another point. When you start getting invested in having her understand how terribly WRONG she is you and how righteously RIGHT you are, then you're just getting yourself emotionally hooked into her. Needing her to 'get it' is still needing something from her, and why would you want to put yourself in that position?
One other thing to keep in mind is that if you start bad-mouthing her and putting her down, it not only makes YOU look bad but it also gives her ammo to use against you. For instance, you might say, "You're nothing but a lying skank who hates men!" That then gives her the opportunity to say something like, "I knew you weren't a nice guy. Do you see now why I didn't want to kiss you?"
In an instant you can find yourself on the defensive before you even know what happened. So don't put yourself at risk. Take the highroad. Stay cool and centered. Besides, you might see her again in a social context in which you wouldn't want her to be saying anything bad about you to others. Don't give her any motivation to want to be whispering negative things in the ear of another woman you meet, say, at party that she's attending.
If you're having trouble with this concept of staying cool, Nate, think of it this way. If you were to run across a rattlesnake on a mountain path that was coiled and ready to strike, you wouldn't get in its face and tell it that it shouldn't be so hostile. No, you would calmly and cooly disengage from contact with it and get out of its way.
And if you need to vent about what a two-faced-no-good scumstress your ex-date is, then do it with your buddies. Rail and rant and rave to them all you want about how she did you wrong. Get all the resentment out of your system, release it and move on.
Remember, guys: you always want to show class.
Doc Love, Success Coach
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!
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