Can A Man Bring The Sparks Back Into A Loveless Marriage?
By: Doc Love
Hey, Doc:
I've heard a lot about your laws of relationships from a few of my single friends. They claim that it works even when a guy is married, but I have to tell you I've got my doubts. Now here's my dilemma: Lisa and I have been married for over 10 years. At first our intimate relationship was great - she was always ready to be affectionate, and so was I. Then, four years ago, my son Cameron was born. Immediately afterward there was a change in our relationship. Doc, it was like the difference between night and day. Lisa was no longer interested in spending romantic time together. I never had any affairs, always came straight home after work, and always provided for the kid. (By the way, my wife works too, at a quite demanding managerial job.) So I don't see how Lisa could have any complaints on any of those counts.
Well, I tried to be patient, figuring she'd eventually come back to the way she used to be, but time went on and the situation never improved. Lisa is always tired (believable, but then I am, too, and we both split the child-minding duties when we're not working at our jobs), has a headache, doesn't feel well, or "just doesn't feel like it tonight." Etc. I've come right out more than once and asked her point blank if she's no longer attracted to me. No, that's not it, she insists. She's just overwhelmed by having to take care of the kid and her job. Again, fine and well, but why am I ready to get intimate all the time? (And incidentally, when we do actually have a romantic interlude once every few weeks, it's very, very good, so I can't complain about the quality.)
Doc, what it boils down to is this. I've been thinking about a divorce. And it's not because I don't love my wife - I do. I just can't stand being frozen out any longer. I've actually turned into a slavering dog over the past few years, begging and whimpering for affection. This isn't right. It's diminishing whatever self-esteem I have left, and if I don't do something, there'll be nothing left of me. What really keeps me here is my little boy - I would hate for the three of us to become sociological statistics, the victims of one more pathetic marital breakup. But my fear is that once a negative pattern has been established - me begging for attention and my wife refusing - it's impossible to change. What do you think?
Jack - who's just about to file
Hi Jack,
First of all, let me assure you that my principals work for everyone who follows them. The foundations of my method are valid for all women, period, married or single, young and old, beauties and plain Janes. So don't worry - I'm going to help you out here.
Now here's what I want you to do, Jack. You're not going to touch your wife - at all. You're going to back off. You're going to transform yourself from that "slavering dog" into a self-respecting guy. Practice some self-control, Jack. That's where it all starts.
Next, you're going to start setting time aside to date your wife. Date your wife? That's exactly what I said. Every Saturday night you're going to hire a babysitter and make sure that the two of you have guaranteed time alone with each other. And there's more. Once a month you and your wife are going away for the weekend by yourselves, no kiddie in tow, got it? I want you to plan this out, write it on the calendar, and get organized here. Because right now you're not organized, and you don't know how to schedule your life.
But Jack, I don't want you to feel bad, because you've got a lot of company out there. Most American married guys are in your same predicament. Like a married friend of mine said to me once when I asked him what he was up to: "Well, I'm married," he smiled wryly, "so I don't have sex." And with a 50%-plus divorce rate, you can just imagine how miserable all the women who can't get out of their bad marriages are, too.
But I'm going to do my best to save your marriage, Jack. If your wife has at least 51% Interest Level left in you, we can turn things around with this program.
The part that bothers me the most, guy, is that she decided against being romantic after your son was born. Because it's usually women with an Interest Level hovering between 40% and 49% who cut off intimacy after the kids arrive. And that dismal figure means that a man is in more trouble than he even realizes - he might be on his way out and doesn't even know it. What it means is that he's flopped at showing his male strength qualities - Confidence, Control, and Challenge. Women who stay with a man at that Interest Level are building up a well of resentment, until her Interest Level plummets all the way down to 39%. At 39%, she's gone - history. Women with 40% to 49% Interest Level are usually Professional Daters - not in love with a guy, but willing to fleece him for whatever she wants - in the case of married women, usually kids and his every last cent.
Let's hope that you haven't hit that point in your wife's eyes, Jack.
Remember guys, the principles work even if you're miserably married.
Doc Love, Success Coach
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!
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Comments to date: 2. This is page 1 of 1.
Bruce Missouri
Posted at 3:56pm on Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
Can A Man Bring The Sparks Back Into A Loveless Marriage?
Hi Doc,
I am in a similar situation with my wife. This is both our second marriage and in the beginning life was fun and exciting. We were very interment and caring for one another. Now, I do understand that things do change after you have been with someone for a period of time. But just after my daughter was born she really wants nothing to do with a sexual relation or intimacy. It’s like I have a room mate. My wife turned her back on our marriage. We tried the counseling thing, but she got angry at the counselor because she said something she didn’t like and we stopped going. We had agreed before we got married that we both would like two children and as of a few months ago she had decide that she only wants one. Somehow we have been able to manage a very civil, relationship with each other. We do talk, laugh, and even joke with on another. We in fact once every 5 or 6 months we will have sex; However it’s more of an action then making love. It’s so unemotional the lack of passion would make you cry. And to be completely honest with you to make madders even worse she sleeps with my daughter in her bed instead of coming to be with me.
Doc, this is not what I signed up for in any way.
Now please understand, I have never cheated nor do I want to. I can’t believe it but I do still love my wife and I love my daughter very much. I’m staying in this marriage for my daughter only. I will not share her with my wife or anyone else that would come into my wife’s life if we got the divorce. I refuse to pay her large sums of money just because she is the mother and woman of the relationship. I did not change the circumstance of our marriage and will not have my daughter pay for it. As much as my daughter needs a mommy she also needs her daddy
I never thought this would happen to me.
Bruce
Paulette Maryland
Posted at 2:43pm on Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
I have to wait until my fiance initiates sex; otherwise I'm turned down or put off until later. He never seems sexually available - always in the middle of doing something - a busybody. I've gotten tired of begging, and now he complains that I don't act like I want it anymore. I've lost interest because there's too much self-esteem-crushing hassle to go through to get it. We don't live together, and he says we don't have many opportunities because my kids are always home. Well...I work from home, and they're at school all day long and go to their father's every other weekend. My fiance owns a business and works from home, too. When I used to try to go over there and be the initiator, he would say he was too busy, so I've stopped trying. I try to keep my mind off of sex by keeping myself busy now, too. It's pretty boring and depressing. He's put us on a schedule of every other Friday night and Saturday night only. It's predictable and never spontaneous. Sometimes I wish I had a friend with benefits. Then sometimes he does gross things like belch, fart, and pick his nose and then thinks I should be in the mood. He hasn't done anything romantic for me in...I can't even remember. I bought him a dozen red roses and a really nice card for our fifth going-out anniversary. I got a last-minute card that he got free in the mail as a sample. We went to Vegas for a week, and nothing about it was romantic. I wanted to go on a gondola ride and go up in the Eiffel Tower, and he complained about both of them. We went to a "show" that he wanted to see, and I didn't complain at all and made sure he had a nice time. I tell him all the time, though, that I don't need "things." Snuggling and affection and loving words would do just fine, but all he does here is snuggle....when it's convenient for him, like when he would be watching TV anyway. I can't remember the last time he offered to give me a massage, but I give them to him all the time. I shouldn't have to beg. I don't know what else to do.
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