You are here: Home > Dating Advice Columnists > Doc Love > Do Men Equate Sex With Love

Do Men Equate Sex With Love?

© Doc Love

Doc:

Help! I've heard a lot about the effectiveness of your method from a friend, but I don't know if even you can help me out on this one. I met Kelly when I started working at a large brokerage house here in New York. She's everything I've ever wanted - blonde, blue-eyed, long-legged, athletic, and gorgeous. Throw in the fact that half the guys on my floor were after her (which got my competitive instincts up) and I was a goner not long after we went for a drink one night after the two of us had to work late on new marketing brochures. We got together that weekend for dinner and a movie, and the weekend after for salsa dancing at a downtown club. Then we started dating during the week as well. It was like I'd found my true soulmate -- overnight. She'd broken up recently before with a guy she was dating for the past three years. She said - and I quote - "It's definitely over. We want different things out of life. We never get together anymore. We never even talk on the phone."

A month and a half into our relationship, there was a phone message at home for me on Wednesday afternoon from Kelly canceling our date for the Knicks game later that evening. Her excuse was that she needed to go out to Jersey that night on an emergency - her sister was moving into a new apartment and needed help since one of the friends who was supposed to help her bailed out at the last minute. Fair enough, I thought. Stuff happens, and Kelly had been reliable up until now. My buddy Dennis was available on short notice, and he loves the Knicks, so no money was lost, but I would much rather have spent the evening with Kelly - after all, we'd recently started getting quite intimate with each other. Now here's where the wrinkle comes in. The next day at work, I couldn't help but drift over to her cubicle (she works on the other end of the floor) and ask her how the move went. "Bill," she said, "I wasn't being completely honest about last night. I wasn't helping my sister. I got together with Tony" (her ex) "because we had to work some stuff out. Sorry about the game." Work some stuff out? What the hell was that supposed to mean? I didn't have the chance to ask, because just then my boss summoned me into his office. Doc, it was like taking a left to the solar plexus from Mike Tyson! I sat there hearing and seeing nothing while my boss ran a new assignment down to me.

It's been two days now and I haven't spoken a word to Kelly. She hasn't called me either, whether out of guilt over what happened - or because of something else. The thing I can't get out of my mind is that she LIED to me. Was that the only thing she lied about? All kinds of stuff is running through my head now. Like maybe she was seeing Tony all along. I could even accept the fact that she had to talk to him - but why lie about it? I'm in love with this girl, Doc, but I don't want to be a fool. What should I do?

Bill - who's confused in the Big Apple

---

Hi Bill,

You mention that you don't think I can help you out with your problem. Guy, I can help out any man. Why? Because my laws of reality work on all women, from Montana to Mongolia to Manchuria! And since these principals cut across all geographical and social boundaries, have no fear - I can help you out on this one.

Now Bill, the biggest boo-boo you made was -- to use your own words -- being "a-goner" over a Beautiful Woman. What you have to do with the most dangerous creature on the planet is learn how to maintain and raise her Interest Level - not yours.

Secondly, guy, weekend dates are only for girlfriends you've been out with five or six times. When you started handing over your primo weekend time to this angel, she hadn't yet proved herself to be special. And she always has to pass that test, beauty or not.

Now, you say that Kelly was your "true soulmate." But did she ever manifest the fact that you were HER true soulmate? Did she ever use those same words when it came to you? In other words, what was HER Interest Level? What you did, Bill, was run way ahead of yourself - and her.

And think about this, Bill - rather than spend the night with you, Kelly would rather have spent it with HER SISTER. Just because she was being "intimate" with you doesn't mean that she had high Interest Level. What I would rather have seen was Kelly have 51% or above Interest Level in you, and NOT be so physically cozy.

"Work stuff out?" Bill, didn't she swear to you that it was over with Tony? Now she's telling you the exact opposite! No woman gets together with a guy she's allegedly broken up with to "work stuff out" when it's "definitely over!" Hello? To you Psych majors, this girl has no Integrity.

Now here's the really ugly part, Bill. You are a fool! The reason you're a fool is that like most men, you rushed headlong into REJECTION. Rather than being balanced and centered and moving slowly with Kelly, you placed entirely too much on the fact that you two were being intimate. What you were blind to was that she was being intimate with you and lying to you at the same time.

Remember guys, just because they fool around with you doesn't mean they are in love with you.

About the Author
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!