When a woman says "No," does it always really mean No????? I'm not talking about intimacy here. I'm simply referring to asking a girl out on a date. I've had girls in the past decline or pass up the opportunity only to accept a date later on. Some of these girls weren't even involved with someone else, but my suspicion was that they said no just to be difficult, and eventually they gave in and it turned out that they wanted to do it all along.
Recently I asked a Greta out. We know each other from various clubs that we both go to. She told me that she's really busy and trying to get her life together, whatever that means, so she couldn't. At the same time this female has flirted outrageously with me, danced with me, and also given me outright hints as to where she's going to be on certain nights. My approach after getting blown off for the date is to continue talking to her whenever I see her, but not mention going out for the time being. Frankly, I'm waiting for her to give me a big signal on her own, since she knows that I like her and of course I've already asked her out. I figure that if she wants to go out she'll make it obvious, and then I can go forward.
Doc, my question is this: why do some women decline dates even though they aren't going out with anyone else? I'm talking about situations where the woman shows at least some interest but then declines when you ask her out. (I'm not talking about the females who simply think you're repulsive.) Is it the chase that these women want? Or is it maybe that they think a guy is a player and just looking for a one-night stand, and the only way for her to find out if you really like her is if you come back for more and stick with it. I understand your theory that annoying a woman will only get you a restraining order, but we're talking about a woman who declines but continues to send out positive vibes. What's your take on this? Obviously some women decline but really want you, or they reconsider, because I've seen it happen.
One last thing. Any hints about how I should handle Greta? Thanks in advance.
Richard - who can't figure 'em out
Hi Richard,
Can't figure 'em out, huh? Boy, that's the understatement of the year.
Hey, Rich - why in the world would you ask a woman out a second time after she's already turned you down the first time? That's what you should really be asking -- yourself. Usually when a woman says "No," she's less apt to be interested in you, much less ask you out, than a woman who's never asked you out or who hasn't already rejected you. Right? Or am I missing something here?
Pal, how do you know all these females who decline dates aren't involved with someone else? Do you really go by what they say? Golly gee, you're the kind of fellow who probably still believes in Santa Claus and his elves, too! Welcome to the wonderful world of Women speak, my man!
I'm going to let you in on a big secret here - women don't give in on anything. Ever. Especially in the dating game. They operate only from their own self-interest. So if a girl likes you, it's stupidity on her part to be difficult to you. In other words, she's going to make it easy for you when she's interested, Einstein!
Now, let's move on to your next problem. Greta, you report, "needs to get her life together." I'm going to let you in now on a second invaluable secret. Whenever you hear those words, as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, "You should be doing a world-record sprint in the other direction!" It means she's a woman to avoid at all costs! The last thing in the world you want to be doing with this babe who claims to be in disarray is dancing with her. She keeps flirting with you -- but won't go out with you! -- so why dance with her? It's a waste of your time, Richard. You could be spending that valuable time trying to hook up with someone who's truly interested in you.
(And another thing, guys - nightclubs aren't the only place to meet women. Let's face it: this is where game-playing is the rule rather than the exception, and in the shadows of a nightclub it's not always easy to figure out what's what. Here are some great, tried-and-true places to meet women: yoga class, wine-tasting clubs, swing-dance class, cooking class, acting class, New Age seminars, comedy improv workshops, weddings, and volunteer activities. The atmosphere is much more wholesome, and you'll do much better at those places, guaranteed.)
To your claim that Greta was dropping major hints about where she was going to be on certain nights, my response is -- so what? If it wasn't just your fantasy that she was clueing you in, it doesn't amount to anything solid anyway. What you should have been going after was her home phone number, and if you'd gotten it, you should have called her. Makes sense, doesn't it?
Now the one thing you did do that I'll give you a little credit for is continuing to talk to Greta after she blew you off - it showed some class, and that you weren't completely destroyed by her rejection. On the other hand, let's be real here, Richard - that wasn't the reason you were doing it. You were merely biding your time until you could go in for another whipping.
And go in for another whipping you did. Richard, Richard, Richard - why would Greta give you a "big signal" following on a "NO?" Don't you get it that the odds are already twice against you? Of course she knows you like her! Not because you asked her out the first time, but because after she turned you down you asked her for another beating. She'd have to be blind and dumb to not know you're after her -- the problem is, she has no respect for you. And by the way, guy -- where are you coming by all this assumption of power and position with this woman when you have absolutely zilch evidence that she gives a farthing for you?
The Reality Factor says that women decline dates because they're not interested in you. And that they'd rather be alone. They'd rather look at an empty refrigerator than go out with you. Which means that they don't even want to use you for a free meal. That's pretty bleak. Period. Simple as that.
So why do Greta and the others like her supposedly lead you on? Because women flirt. They're born flirts. They're just having fun. Big deal. It means nothing to them, and it shouldn't mean anything to you. I'll bet that if I opened Webster's and looked up the word "imagination," I'd see your face right there next to the definition.
You're right, Richard, harassing a woman will only get you a restraining order, so at least you've learned something from my principles. So lay off Greta. Wouldn't it have been better if you'd gotten negative vibes from her and copped her home phone number?
Remember, guys: only like somebody if they like you first.
Doc Love, Success Coach
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!
Idol (Mona in my Eyes)
