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Does A Guy Stand A Chance When She's Still Living With Her "Ex?"

© Doc Love

Hi Doc,

I wish I found out about your method before entering the relationship I'm in now.

I met Christie back in January. She was just coming out of a five-year relationship with what you call a Macho Boy, except that he is also very needy and constantly needs her approval. When we met, she had moved out of his bedroom and into a separate room in his house, and was actively looking for a way out. Within four weeks after she and I got together, we both became very emotionally attached to each other. We both had 95%-plus Interest Level in each other. But by the third week of March, Christie began to lose interest, and told me she was putting our relationship "on the back burner" while she figures out what she's going to do and gets her act together. That just about drove me bonkers.

Since then, she and I have continued to get together. She tells me she loves me, and when we're together she shows me the love she has for me by her actions. She has finally rented her own place and has begun looking for a job (part of the problem she has with getting out of the other guy's life is due to several factors: 1) he's very wealthy and she's afraid of what things will be like if she's away from that wealth; 2) they jointly own equipment and property; and 3) she works for his excavation firm, which does environmental restoration projects for a tribal reservation where we live).

I think my problem, now that I've read your book, is that I've been that teddy bear guy you refer to -- Wimpus Americanus. During the whole time she and I have been together I've said "no" maybe three times. Also, when I call her I tend to leave messages (she bought a cell phone that I've put on my cell plan that allows us to talk virtually limitlessly, and of course the guy whose house she's still in doesn't know about it, though he does know about me) and when we do talk she nearly always ends the conversation before I do. Also, I e-mail her copious amounts of messages, where in turn she'll leave maybe one consisting of three lines. And of course, mine always seem to start and end with "I love yous" and various compliments.

But one thing that to me feels like a positive is that she typically calls me once a day to talk about her day and set up "dates" with me. These dates are usually things like going swimming in one of the lakes here or coming over and spending time together at my home, which sometimes leads to intimacy and sometimes doesn't. (She's told me a few times that she's really happy about the fact that I don't require it every time we get together, and to be honest, I let her bring it up rather than doing so myself, which leads to it occurring about half the time.)

Doc, I've already committed my heart to this lady. I know it's a high-risk situation, and I really want to find a way to bring her back. Since your method speaks of using Challenge during the first 60 days or so, and I'm well past that period of time now, does it still make sense to try and use it?

Thanks to you, I'm determined to stop or severely curtail the e-mailing and compliments and such. But I am confused as to what I should use to work her back to me. I understand that Respect, Affection and Support-Romance are the keys to maintenance, but what does a guy do when the woman he's with has backed off? I would peg her Interest Level at around 65% to 70% now because when we do get together her behavior quickly reverts to what it was during those first four weeks.

What do you think, Doc?

Pat - a guy who is really confused as to his next steps

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Hi Pat,

I'm with you, pal. Had you known about "The System" before you got yourself embroiled with this woman, I could have saved you a lot of heartache. Check that - you would have saved yourself a truckload of pain and anguish.

But let's see what we can learn about your situation and where you went wrong. Then we'll see what can be done to clean up your mess.

The first and most important factor here is that this girl is involved. Big mistake to get yourself mixed up with a girl who's already involved, Pat. What's more, she can't take care of herself, and the guy she's living with controls the purse strings. It doesn't sound as if she's getting out of there anytime soon.

Now let's go a little further into her situation. How do you know what bedroom she's living in? Do you have a camera in there to verify what she's been trying to sell you? Aren't you taking a lot for granted here? Any chance she's leaving something out? Are you sure it's really over with this guy and she's not just spouting girl talk for "I'm hanging on to his guy until a richer turkey shows up?"

Now Pat, I'm going to shed light on another pattern in male-female relationships: When the woman withdraws, most men, on account of their over-inflated or over-sensitive egos, rush straight in. And what does that overaggressive behavior result in? Yup, more frustration. Being available constantly and at her whim achieves the exact opposite of what you guys truly want. Being a doormat - Wimpus Americanus, as you so accurately put it - does NOT increase Interest Level. It's human nature, Pat. She wants what's not easy to get. So what you have to do is withdraw. When she withdraws, you withdraw. (And by the way, guys, when I tell you not to telephone her, it's NOT okay to send e-mail! E-mail is a phone call without a human voice.) The point is that I want her to wonder about you, without you having your face in her face 24/7.

Your question, Pat, was what do I think…Sadly, I have to say that you're overrating your woman's Interest Level. It's only between 40% to 49%, a far cry from where you think it is. When she tells you she's putting your relationship "on the back burner," that means it's not cooking at all and is colder than yesterday's sausage. She's just playing with you, buddy, because there's nothing better to do for the time being. But if she finds another rich boy, look out -- she'll be history.

Remember, guys, it's better not to date them when they live in sin with a rich guy.

About the Author
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!