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Never Try To Keep Someone Who Doesn't Want To Keep You

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Hey Doc,

I really hope you can help me, because I'm hurting.

Janet and I have been together for three years and friends for 20. She's 52 and I'm 51. We've always had passion between us. But she's in menopause and has a daughter who never liked that she was with me. In the past year I've had some financial problems, and Janet and I broke up once, then got back together, but she says that I sucked her back in. Fights occasionally broke out over nothing. She would begin raging and always blamed me because eventually I reacted to her raging and did some of my own. But I never started the raging.

In July she broke up with me a second time. Her daughter (33 years old, with children) came to town and spent some alone time with Janet. I gave her space to do this. This was when she cut me off. Her sister told me that Janet said that she felt like she was in prison with me. (This, Doc, from a lover who called me five to seven times per day, every day, and asked me to see her all the time -- and now says she felt "obligated" to make those calls!)

I gave her a week to cool off, then went to see her again. She ripped my head off. Filled with anger, she told me it was over. I asked her later if we could get together for some "closure" talk, and she said no. So I left. Two weeks later she called me, and I asked to meet with her. We did. She said she was raw and needed to be alone. I investigated to see if there was another man, and there isn't. She cried with me, held me, caressed me, said she loved me deeply, and didn't know what to do about it. But she "needs to do this" - be alone -- for a while. I asked her what I could do for her and she said "Leave me alone."

Since then (it's been two months) we've talked a few times. She says she loves me but is keeping busy. I asked her if she's happy with her decision and she said no. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said yes. I asked if she missed me, and she said yes. So I said, why don't we see each other every two weeks? She said no, just leave me alone for a while.

This left me entirely confused.

We were so in love and wanted to marry. I have been in pain over this for two months and don't know what to do. How can I become a Challenge when she won't even call me?

I do want Janet back because I can see she is crazed by her hormones and her family is steering her away from her heart. But she has to feel her own heart and not live through her family. Does she love me or doesn't she? Will she come back?

Doc, what do you think is going on, and what is the best recourse?

Thanks.

Steve - who's living under a black cloud

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Hi Steve,

Let me ask you a question. Why is it that you and Janet were friends for 20 years? When you're friends for 20 years, usually you're friends forever, right? How is it that after two decades of friendship this woman decided suddenly that she was romantically interested in you? Steve, if you'd always had passion between you, you wouldn't have been "just friends" for all that time. You're contradicting yourself, pal! You don't even know what it is you've got here! No offense, but you don't have a clue! You're the kind of guy who pulls into a service station, announces that he needs a lube job, and the mechanic points out, "Uh, sir -- your transmission is in the road!"

Steve, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but you and Janet didn't always have "passion." Passion was in your mind -- and your mind alone. As usual, the shortsighted male projected his Interest Level onto the woman. Don't blame it on her hormones!

Now, you say Janet's daughter never liked you. Why didn't she like you, Steve? Remember, Janet raised her. She had a great amount of influence over this kid who hates your guts. There must have been some reason for it, don't you think? To boot, the Reality Factor says that women with children, even if they're grown, are "package deals." If the kid hates you, it kills the deal right off the bat -- unfortunately, most of you guys don't realize it! Even if Janet's Interest Level was 100%, you'd still be dead in the water, because her kid detests you.

You tell me that Janet accuses you of "sucking" her back into a relationship with you. In women's language, it means that you pressured her back into seeing you. You got on your knees and whimpered like a puppy when she told you to back off and behave yourself.

You go on to reveal that fights occasionally broke out over "nothing." Steve, I got news for you -- fights are always over something. And what they're usually over is low Interest Level. Because when a woman has high Interest Level, she wants to do what you want to do, she agrees with you on everything, and there's nothing to fight over. When Interest Level is high enough, she'll even give up watching Oprah!

Finally, you ask me what's going on and what your course of action should be. I'm afraid it's more bad news. The chance of Janet ever having 90% Interest Level in you is more remote than your chance of hitting the moon with a rock.

Steve -- how many times does this lady have to drop you before you decide that maybe, just maybe, she has low Interest Level? You say you gave her a week to cool off. Dude, you should have given her a lifetime! It's not a matter of having to cool off -- it's a matter of HER NOT LIKING YOU. I know this is complex. I know this is real tough to understand, and I know that all the counselors and shrinks are going to tell you there's something more to it, but the simple fact remains: she doesn't like you.

To you Psych majors, women who like you - and I know this is going to sound strange - actually want to be with you!

Steve, this girl misses you like Ben misses J-Lo. Know why Ben dumped J-Lo? Ben got tired of her. He got tired of her telling him what to do. He got tired of her domination. I'm all for self-improvement, but not when it's the result of overbearing pressure, especially from the one you love.

Remember, guys: don't give her a second chance to tell you to get lost.

About the Author
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!