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Beware Of Creating Ms. Jekyl and Ms. Hyde

© Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I want to tell you what happened to me with a girl I recently dated, and I'm wondering whether other guys have run into the same problem. Let me explain.

I took Dana out three times. On the first two occasions I did nothing wrong -- no inappropriate behavior, no talk of sex, no rudeness. She was perfectly nice and my plan was to move slowly forward. Things were going fine until date number three. Suddenly her behavior completely changed, and it wasn't just my imagination. Where on our first two dates she was warm, talkative, and interested in me, now she was quiet and distant and cold.

Let me add here that this sort of thing has happened to me before, and this is why I need your insight, Doc. You go on your first date with a girl and she's nice and excited to be with you but by date number two, she's quiet, distant and sullen. Weird. What is it with these head cases? My name for a girl who acts like this is "Ms. Jekyl and Ms. Hyde" because the change in personality is so profound.

I'm somewhat acquainted with your techniques and ideas, Doc, and I suspect that I know what you'll say about this - that she has low Interest Level in me. That's fine, but why the extreme change in behavior? Why do women do this over and over again?

Here are some tell-tale signs of the Jekyl/Hyde syndrome:

1. She dresses down. Suddenly she's wearing jeans instead of a sexy dress.
2. She seems depressed or quiet. Her eyes are downcast.
3. When you make suggestions for what to do on a date, she can't seem to make up her mind. She's unenthusiastic.
4. She tries to help pay for dinner or other activities like movies.
5. She's not touching you or smiling.
6. She doesn't laugh at your jokes.
7. She seems to be distant. She stares off into space.
8. Things that she was interested in previously have lost their appeal. If she told you she was into her cats, now she just really isn't that excited about them.

Keep in mind that this person was previously happy, excited and nice. She was happy to be with you. There was no prelude to or warning of this new behavior. These are RED FLAGS. Something is wrong, but what? My theory is that she is in love with another guy, but he won't commit to her, so she decided to find someone else. So the symptoms she's exhibiting are not depression and disinterest, but guilt.

Doc, what I want to know is this: How can being a Challenge help you in such a situation? What do you do with a girl like this? Is there anything that can be done to turn it around?

Quinn - who's had it with split personalities

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Hi Quinn,

Yup, most guys experience exactly what you've gone through. It's called getting up to bat and striking out. Dana gave you an opportunity, but you said and did the wrong things - otherwise, she'd still be with you.

But you say that you "did nothing wrong." What I'd like to know is what you did right. I've told you guys again and again - you have to be like love cops on "Love And Order." Don't give me hazy generalizations - I need specifics in order to crack a case.

Quinn, you never want to move slowly forward with a girl. You want to move forward quickly. It might appear that you're taking it slow, but if you know what you're doing, her Interest Level should be taking off fast. If it isn't, chances are good you're already in trouble.

"Things were going fine until date number three?" Making out on the second date is what "going fine" means! Are you trying to tell me she made out with you on the second date? Fat chance! Now she was "quiet, distant, and cold," you go on to complain. You neglected to add one thing - she was uninterested in you! You've got the answer in your question, you dummy!

Here's the core of your problem, Quinn. Dana's not weird, nor is she a head case. She was simply getting more and more turned off to you. Your input was negative. It's not a profound personality change you're witnessing in these women, guy, it's a steep drop in Interest Level.

Telling me that you're acquainted with my techniques is a little bit of an insult. As Fast Eddie Love would say, "With all the mistakes you made?" And you're wrong again when you try and predict my response to your dilemma. It's a little more complicated, you see. Dana's Interest Level started out high, but instead of stoking it -- which it was your job to do -- you drove it downward into the minus zone. Want to know why women do this to you over and over again, pal? Because you can carry the ball for a few yards, but you can't get the touchdown. You fumble - i.e., you lower her Interest Level.

Your list of symptoms is nice, but they didn't crop up as the result of a change in a two-year relationship where the girl was all over you. You're talking about a measly two dates here! My hunch is that your looks got you your first date, but then you opened your mouth and she never wanted to see you again! But there are some girls who can't say no to a nice dinner.

Your psychoanalytical theory for how and why Ms. Jekyl and Ms. Hyde keep finding their way into your life is fascinating as well, but it doesn't go far enough. As Doctor Freud himself would say, it's nothing but a wish-fulfillment. It doesn't point the finger of blame where it truly belongs - at you. In other words, you're rationalizing.

Before you can be a Challenge, you've got to get your act together and say and do the right things. You're not, and that's why these women are being turned off to you. And do you know what the proof is? It keeps happening again and again. Maybe what you should have said to Dana was, "Hey, have you got a girlfriend I can start over with? Because I'm going to do things right the next time around." Of course, with the performance you turned in, we know what her answer would be.

As far as turning it around, Quinn, in a word - no. Once you've screwed things up, it's finished.

Remember, guys: when it goes south of the border, it's over.

About the Author
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!