You are here: Home > Dating Advice Columnists > Doc Love > Is Her Jealousy Justified

Is Her Jealousy Justified, Or Has She Gone Off The Deep End?

© Doc Love

Doc,

I have some female friends that I like to have lunch with every once in a while. These girls have been friends of mine for years. I had a big argument with my girlfriend recently about going to lunch with one of them, just me and my female friend.

I told my girlfriend that I am her man and that she has nothing to worry about since I am only friends with these other girls. My girlfriend disagrees claiming that I am committing a form of "emotional infidelity" having lunch with them.

I told my girlfriend she was being unreasonable and controlling and that she should trust me in that my female friends are just that, friends. She has met these other female friends of mine as well, so I do not understand why she feels them to be such a threat. We do not flirt or get touchy feely at all. Pretty much I see each of them as another one of the guys, and they see me as another one of the girls. Besides, I feel I should be able to go to lunch with anyone I want without asking permission from my girlfriend.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I being disrespectful to my girlfriend's feelings by having lunch with a female friend? It is not a new girl I just met. These are long-time buddies. I'm not going on a dinner date or to the prom either...its coffee and a bagel in between classes, c'mon.

Am I being a stubborn, pig-headed freak or is my girlfriend being obsessive, controlling, and irrationally jealous?

Thanks, Doc.

Leandro - who is very frustrated

---

Leandro,

Interesting predicament you've got there. One might easily jump to the conclusion that your girlfriend is, indeed, the bad guy in this situation. But we're not going to be doing a knee jerk instant analysis here. Instead we're going to take a cool, calm and leisurely stroll down the path of objectivity. Let's examine all the facts and ask some pertinent, probing questions so we can get to heart of the matter.

Here are some of the crucial things we need to know:

If you didn't have a girlfriend, would you want to date any of these girl friends of yours? Now if you're brutally honest answer to this question is "yes," then that means that there IS something going on there that your girlfriend should be legitimately concerned about. You could be in denial about the fact that you're keeping one or more of them on the line as 'backup' in case things don't work out with your girlfriend.

Secondly, even though you may not have any romantic attraction whatsoever to any of these girls, do any of them have the hots for you? Would any one of them be coming after you if your girlfriend weren't in the picture? If the answer to either of these questions is "yes" then once again, your girlfriend's concerns gain legitimacy.

You mentioned Leandro that you got into an argument with your girlfriend after going to lunch with ONE of these girls in particular. Since women are so much more intuitive than men are, your girlfriend may have tuned into something that you have been oblivious to. To you Psych majors, she smells a rat.

This one gal may be subtly 'working' on you, planting seeds that she hopes will sprout in the future. If so, well, that's a problem, and you have to clean it up. You can't be complaining about your girlfriend's being jealous when she got a good reason to be.

Now, if the reality is that none of these girls has any romantic designs on you at all and you wouldn't date any of them under any circumstances, then we must put the responsibility for the disharmony in your relationship in your girlfriend's lap. Yes, Leandro, If everything here really is totally Kosher, then your girlfriend IS being obsessive, controlling and irrationally jealous, behavior that's based in her own lack of self esteem.

Also realize, Leandro, that if this is indeed all your girlfriend's problem, then you'll be having more arguments with her in the future about the same issue. You have to ask yourself "If this is the way she is, can I live with it long term or would she eventually drive me out of my tree?"

So you've got some serious detective work to do here, work that I can't do for you, Leandro. But if you use all these tools I've given you, you'll get to the truth and you'll know what to do.

Remember, guys: if your girlfriends are really just girl friends, then your girlfriend should keep her mouth shut.

About the Author
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!