I subscribed to one of those Internet dating services and posted my photo along with a fairly comprehensive personality profile of myself. After getting no real action for some time, I decided to run a test. Yes, Doc, I did the morally reprehensible thing and substituted a photo of a much better looking man for my own.
The results were alarming. A number of women immediately responded with some of the real 'lookers' proclaiming their love, even after the exchange of only a few lines of text. Never in my regular life as a decent, honest, and hardworking man had I ever received such attention. It shook me to the core of my being like nothing else.
Such love freely offered to the better-looking man. Funny that he had the same personality as me. I guess that doesn't matter though. Anyway, I'd be very interested in any thoughts you might have about all this, Doc.
Kenneth - who thinks it's all pretty unfair
Howdy Kenneth,
Your experience reminds me of that of another one of my students. Let's call him Bill. Bill is an average looking guy. On a scale of one to ten, most women would probably give him a seven, at best. But as far as personality goes, Bill is a ten. He's very intelligent, funny as hell and a genuinely good-hearted guy.
Every Sunday, Bill goes to a non-denominational Science of Mind type church in L.A. This particular church has a very charismatic minister and a kick-ass choir that is always accompanied by a rhythm section of world class studio musicians. It's a very hip, happening kind of scene with a certain edge of glamour to it. Most Sundays you will find two or three celebrities in attendance amongst a congregation of several hundred people.
As you might expect with such a scenario, the place is stocked with an abundance of babes. But even though these girls are spiritually oriented, they've still got a bit of that L.A. 'attitude' thing going on. They tend to be somewhat guarded and standoffish when guys try to connect with them. Many of the most attractive women there leave as soon as the service is over rather than stay for coffee, muffins and socializing during which they might have to deal with grabby guys who want a 'friendly' post service hug from them.
Now Bill attends these services, primarily for the inspirational and spiritual benefits that he derives. But, naturally, he's not been oblivious to the potential there for meeting women. The thing is, even though he's been a member of the congregation for over a year and a half, he's never gone out on a date with one girl that he's met at his church. He's had nice conversations with several women there that he's gotten to know over time, but he's never gotten any romantic 'buying signals' from any of them.
One day, not too long ago, Bill brought his friend Lance to church with him. Lance, who had never been there before is about 6'2'' with long thick hair down to his shoulders. He looks like a Viking king who now earns his living doing Calvin Klein underwear advertisements.
After the service that day, Bill asked Lance if he enjoyed his experience there. Lance said to Bill, "Yeah, the minister is great and I loved the music. But what's with the women here? They're so aggressive! I've been hit on three times since I got here. One girl wouldn't let me go until I wrote down her phone number!." Yes, Lance was complaining. Moments later, one of the real beauties of the congregation who had never even smiled at Bill once since he'd been going there, walked right up to Lance and said, "Hi! Are you new here?" As you might imagine, Bill's mouth dropped open in disbelief.
So, both you and Bill, Kenneth, had similar experiences, and both of you had similar responses to it: utter shock. Why? Because the behavior of these women was completely contrary to the values that the sisterhood of womenfolk espouses. When asked about what qualities are most important in a potential mate, most women will tell you that a sense of humor and intelligence are at the top of the list. And according to the majority of women, it's men who care most about how a woman looks and least about her personality.
But as every good student of "The System" knows, in order to get to the truth, we look at people's actions primarily, rather than their words. And in this case, here's is the obvious conclusion that we must arrive at: Women are motivated by 'looks' just as much as men are, regardless of what they say. They overlook personality in favor of physical appearance, exactly as men do. Women's shaming of men for being looks obsessed is a bunch of hypocritical hogwash.
All right, Kenneth, so how does an average looking guy deal with all this? Yes, it's easy to feel bitter and frustrated. It's easy to feel resentful, but none of that is helpful. If you, Kenneth, had the face and body of Bill's friend Lance, then you'd have legions of beautiful women coming after you. But you don't look like Lance and you will never have the kind of attention from women that Lance does. That's reality, so don't fight it. You are who, you are and you have to work with the cards that God dealt you.
If you're going to continue using the Internet dating services as a resource for meeting women, then you should, of course put your own real photo back with your profile. But I'd have some of your friends and family give you some objective feedback about the picture of yourself that you were using. Does it represent you at your best or is it of poor quality? It's always best to have a pro shoot your photo for you. With a better photo of yourself, you may start getting a measurably improved response rate.
If changing your photo doesn't help, then the Internet just ain't your niche. You have to find your niche. It may be Sierra Club hikes, dance classes or psychic faires where the women outnumber men five to one. Just keep swinging, Kenneth, till you get a hit.
Remember, guys: you have do the best you can with what you've got.
Doc Love, Success Coach
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!
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Idol (Mona in my Eyes)
