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What's the best way to get a women to want to hold onto you?

By: Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I'm a nightclub owner, and usually have my pick of women. My problem usually arises when I find one I really want to date. This is about the most difficult one yet.

When I meet a girl at the club that I'd like to date, I usually get her number and give her mine, and they usually call me the next day or come to my club to see me. In this instance, Crystal came to my club the next night. We really hit it off again that second night, and the third night as well.

Then she called me and wanted to go out to a place other than the club. So on a Monday night we went out with a couple of friends. We had a great time together. Crystal ended up falling asleep on my couch, and like a gentleman I put a blanket over her and a pillow under her head, and took her home before I opened the club on Tuesday. Everything was wonderful; when we parted, I got a really nice kiss.

The next day I found out from a friend that Crystal was having second thoughts about me because of all the other girls that are interested in me, and the fact that I'm always surrounded by them. No big deal, I figured - she'll call anyway. Well, she didn't. Then I heard that she was in the hospital. After a couple of days I called the hospital to see how she was. (It turned out she had a bad flu and was basically fine.) I sent her flowers on the fifth day, and planned on visiting her in another day or so.

When I did finally get to the hospital, she'd left about an hour earlier. That night I went out with a guy friend who happens to be her friend as well. She called his cell phone around midnight, and the conversation got around to me. When this happened, my friend handed me the phone. Crystal and I talked for a while, but she was a little vague and seemed somewhat uninterested. I figured that maybe she still wasn't feeling well, or maybe she was detached because of this issue of all the other girls. But I'm just guessing.

What perplexes me, Doc, is that she called my friend but hasn't called me. She told me she'd like to go out when she gets to feeling better, but I'm not really sure what I should do next. Do I wait for her to call me, or do I just wait a day or two and call her? Do I try to pursue her, or wait for her to pursue me? Crystal is the one I really want to be with right now, but I don't want to set myself up for rejection.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me. There's a pattern here. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Buck - who is dating too many women, and wants to date only one

Hi Buck,

First of all, your situation isn't all that unusual. She likes you, you don't like her, and vice-versa happens to all guys. It happens to guys like you, who meet hundreds of women every night, and it happens to the guys who barely get one home phone number a year. What we're looking for in a relationship is equal Interest Level, or, ideally, the woman liking you a little bit more going in. Your job is to raise her Interest Level during the time you spend together.

Now I'll get out my "Crystal" ball to see why you gave her your number. Ah-ha! Just as I figured! You goofed. Ninety-nine percent of the time, women don't call. To boot, giving her your number shows her you're weak. Now if she asks you for your number, I would definitely give it to her. But you're the man, you're the aggressor, and you're going to call her - this should always be your tactic.

It's true that the old saying goes "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." But at the same time, why is this girl hitting on you every night? She should show a little propriety and stay away for three or four days and allow you to call her. I'm glad she demonstrated high Interest Level at first, but she rushed it. Maybe she's not so special after all - maybe she's like all the other girls in your nightclub.

Bu let's give her the benefit of the doubt. The good part is that Crystal called you, asked you out and instead of hanging around your club, you went somewhere different. The bad part is that you brought "friends" along. To you Psych majors, as I've mentioned before, no group dates. And Buck, you give us some very strong reasons why I make that a hard and fast rule. Let's take her second thoughts about you, for instance. As Judge Joe Brown would say, "This is all hearsay!" This good friend of yours could be inadvertently hurting you by feeding Crystal erroneous information - i.e., attributing to you things you never said. You have to make like this is World War II all over again and keep in mind that loose lips sink ships -- and relationships. So why are you talking to friends about your relationship in the first place?

One of the reasons you never know what's going on, pal, is because you're talking to way too many friends - yours and hers. Get off the friends. They can only hurt you, even if they think they're doing the opposite. As Rabbi Love says, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

(Regarding that hospital incident -- here we go again with the hearsay. And you say you got there an hour late. Why didn't you call first, make sure Crystal was still there and run down there ASAP? You waited too long, and blew an opportunity to be alone with her. Incidentally, the flowers were plenty for the amount of time you put in.)

Now, guy, when lots of women love you, all the others are more interested in you, too. This is a basic law of attraction. Think about it -- does being George Clooney hurt George Clooney when it comes to women? The corollary of course is that no one loves you when you're down and out. When no women want you, no women want you. Now it's great that you're surrounded by babes, Buck, but you're going out with Crystal. You went out with her two or three times in a row. You showed her you like her by being with her -- too much.

Which leads us to the real crux of your problem, Buckaroo: you must be doing things wrong on the date. The women you're interested in are turned off to you, as opposed to the fact that women are climbing all over you. How is it that you're in a super environment for meeting females, you've got all these dollies hanging on you, but you can't hold onto the good ones? You need to memorize The Dating Dictionary and learn how to do things the right way.

Ultimately Crystal acted uninterested and detached because she has low Interest Level in you. It isn't because of all those other girls. (And anyway, if Crystal happens to be one of those types with low self-esteem who's jealous and possessive, your owning a nightclub would drive her nuts and you'd have to sell it if you ended up with her. And you're not about to do that.)

My advice is to wait a week and call her. Ask her out (no group dates!) and act like it's your first date all over again. And don't go to your club. Take her someplace new.

Remember, guys: some of her Interest Level is based on the fact that other women love you.

Doc Love, Success Coach

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!

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