I've been reading your column for awhile now and it's made me much more aware of when a guy whom I'm dating is doing the right thing and when he's blowing it. Hopefully you won't label me as "stuck up" when I tell you that I am a very attractive woman and I have absolutely no shortage of men who want to take me out.
Since I broke up with my last boyfriend over a year and a half ago I've been dating quite frequently. I go out on a date about twice a week on the average. (If I accepted all the proposals I get in an average week, I'd be going out on a date every single night. But like most women, I'm very choosy.
I have to tell you that It's very tough to find a guy who is a true gentleman and also a Challenge, as you say. I've had dozens and dozens of experiences where I'm initially quite attracted to and interested in a guy. I may even be very excited by the potential that I see with him. But by the end of the first date, and I'm not talking about the third or fourth date. No, I mean after one date the guy has taken himself out of the running in one way or another. Over and over again this happens, and I'm not being unreasonable. These guys really need your "System."
Last week I went out with a hunky handsome professional athlete who at first seemed to be quite charming. But halfway into dinner he started telling about what a "bitch" his ex girlfriend was. When he asked me if I wanted to take a drive with him up the coast the following weekend, I told him that I couldn't because I had a previous engagement. He didn't have a clue that he did something to kill my Interest Level.
Two nights ago I went out with a commercial pilot, a very confident and manly man. He was also quite articulate and had fascinating stories to tell about his world travels. But when he put his hand on my knee for the third time, I was ready to cry out, "Check please!"
So, Doc, I appreciate all that you're doing to help men learn how to conduct themselves. I think that most of these guys that I'm encountering are basically good guys. All they need is some training. I'm starting to send them to you whenever they'll listen. Maybe someday soon I'll find myself on a date with one of your students. That would be heavenly. Thanks for all your insights.
Harriet - who is frustrated but hopeful
Dear Harriet,
It is a jungle out there in the dating world, and both men and women must proceed through it with caution. Some of the dangerous creatures that men encounter in that jungle are the professional daters, the gold diggers, the time wasting flirters, the spoiled princesses and the ball busting feministas with a chip on their shoulders.
A sampling of the creepy creatures that women encounter in the Dating Jungle are the overly anxious, panting puppy dog, the misogynistic macho boy, the BS spewing braggart and the Wimpus Americanus.
Anyone who dates a lot, male or female, will ultimately encounter the full cast of characters; and Harriet, it sounds as if you've probably met up with most of them. What I appreciate about your letter is your earnestness. You've taken the time to write and share about your experiences so that everyone's awareness might be raised.
So, look, guys, and I'm talking mainly to you newer readers who have yet to study and use "The System." You've got a lot of serious self examination and character building to do. Or, as they say in the Navy, "It's time to shape up or ship out!"Time's a wasting. There are tons and tons of great women out there who are dying to have high interest in you. You've just got to stop sabotaging the airliner of love before it gets off the ground.
I'm going to make it real simple for you new recruits. Here are the top 5 things that you should never do on a first date. If you just get these first essential 5 and you never learn anything else, you'll be way ahead of the pack. (For a comprehensive list see "The System.")
One.) Do not touch your date. Don't grab her knee. Don't try to hold her hand. Don't squeeze her shoulder and don't put your arm around her. Men mistakenly think that if they initiate touching that it will somehow "prime the pump" and it will make the woman want to touch them. The opposite is true. The more you put your hands on her the more it inhibits her.
The wise man holds back and lets the woman do all the touching, if she is so inspired. The only way you can get a clear "read" is if you wait and watch without trying to manipulate her Interest Level.
Two.) Do not talk about other women. Don't talk about your ex-wives or ex- girlfriends. Don't talk about your wonderful platonic buddy "Sally" who is your jogging partner. Think about it. It's always a turnoff when a woman starts telling you things about some other guy in her life. We don't want to hear about him! Keep the romantic potential of your first date high by keeping the subject of other women out of the conversation.
Three.) Do not brag. Women have heard it all and they've heard it all a thousand times. Every time you start overselling yourself, you become less attractive. Let her slowly discover what a great guy you are. Rather than seeking approval and trying to impress her, allow her to experience you as an enigmatic Mystery Man whom she can't quite figure out. That will raise her Interest Level in a way that hearing from you about your various athletic or monetary accomplishments never will.
Four.) Keep the conversation light and positive. So often, men, without thinking and without even knowing what they're doing, lead the conversation into heavy, negative topics. There is no constructive reason for doing this! It's a bummer. It's a bring down. It's not romantic! Let's not talk about terrorism or the SARS epidemic or what a jerk your boss is. Don't recount the details of your last painful breakup. Lay off the heavy subjects!
Five.) Do not talk about sex. Women are sick to death of hearing about it. Every other guy talks about it, but you're not going to. You're going to be different. You're not going to try to impress her with what a sexy, sexual guy you are. You're not going to drop hints and make innuendoes in an attempt to signal to her that you're the greatest lover in the metropolitan Cleveland area. No. You're going to remain cool and classy. When you talk about sex on a first date, you attack her comfort level and why the hell would you want to do that?
All right men. There you have it. Now go out and field test these recommendations on your next few dates and report back to me.
Remember, guys: if you do what's right, she can't get rid of you.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"
Doc Love, Success Coach
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!
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Idol (Mona in my Eyes)
