Is E-mailing Anti-Challenge?
© Doc Love
Dear Doc Love,
I can't begin to thank you for your advice. Before learning your philosophy, I never realized how much girls walked all over me. I'm an average-looking guy but I'm now going out with above-average-looking girls, thanks to your coaching.
I'm currently in a graduate school in Boston, which is filled with young, beautiful women. My graduate program is 80% female, which definitely works to my favor. For a couple of months, I set myself up to be a Challenge. I would throw in a funny comment during class discussions every once in a while.
When the girls were in the hallways during breaks, I would stop, say something funny and walk away. I could hear them saying how funny I was when I was almost earshot away. After class, I would always be the first to leave. After a while, one of my male classmates told me that a good portion of the girls in my program often talked about me in a positive way.
Eventually, I did go in for the kill and asked for home numbers and went out with a couple of girls in the program. No big romances, but I had a lot of fun and saw how your relationship rules were reinforced.
It's summer now, and without class to bring us together, there is less opportunity to meet face-to-face to ask for home numbers. Because we are in a college setting, e-mail is the popular method of communication. I recently e-mailed a girl in the department, said that we should go out sometime and asked for her home number. She e-mailed me back with her home number, work number, her address, her work schedule and best times to call her. Like you always say, Doc, when they're interested, they make it easy.
I'm still going to wait a week before calling her, but what should I do as far as how often I e-mail her? Do telephone rules apply to e-mail? I am interested in knowing what you think about the use of e-mail.
Dylan, who is beginning to understand women
First let me commend you. You did a fantastic job of playing it cool and building up your personal mystery quotient in your classroom environment before you made any moves. You knew that you had a captive audience, so you took your time and let the kitty kats become intrigued and curious about you, which ultimately made your job much easier and effective when it came time to "close."
When classes resume, don't get lazy or complacent and abandon this strategy. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "When it ain't broke, don't fix it." Although you didn't find the love of your life last semester, that doesn't mean that you won't wind up hooking up with your soul mate next semester simply by employing the exact same strategy that you used before. To you Psych majors, don't go against the principles that made you successful.
All right, so let's get clear about this e-mail thing and the frequency of the phone usage versus the frequency of e-mailing. Dylan, when I tell all you guys to stay off the phone and not to spend time chit chatting and 'sharing' with a girl that you're interested in, what I'm really saying is to keep communication (while you are not in her actual physical presence) to an absolute minimum.
Your love interest, Dylan, whoever she may be, is dying for Mystery from her potential mate. Although she's not aware of it, she wants to be wondering about you. Wondering where you are, who it is that you are doing it with and whether you really like her or not. But, most importantly, we want her to be wondering how many other women you're going out with.
So, the more time you spend communicating with her between dates, the more info you're giving her about yourself and your activities, which actually inhibits the rise of her Interest Level.
Dylan, as far as e-mailing goes, the same rules apply. If you're doing the Internet-dating-service thing, then you can e-mail back and forth three or four times to get aquatinted and then setup a 'meet-for-coffee date', but once the date is set that's it; all communication ceases. And before you end that coffee date you should ask her for her home phone number.
And if, as in your case, Dylan, you already know the girl but you still don't have her home phone number, then ONE e-mail to ask her out is all that is needed. No e-mail's before the date to tell her how much you're looking forward to seeing her. No e-mail's after the date to tell her what a great time you had or to let her know that you found a copy of that book that she was looking for, or whatever! Let everyone else on the planet e-mail each other back and forth ten thousand times. That doesn't need to affect your behavior in any way whatsoever.
Actually, as far as dating goes, e-mailing is much less preferable to the telephone as a means of communication. Plenty of e-mails get lost in Internet limbo land for hours or even days. You e-mail her and then you have to wait for a response, which can take hours or even days.
And when you're e-mailing back and forth, not only can you not get any reading on her body language while communicating with her, just as on the phone, but you can't even hear her voice. You have no sense of the auditory tonality of her communication. E-mailing to get a date with a woman is filled with pitfalls and several disadvantages.
Let's put it this way, Dylan. E-mailing should be used only when you don't yet have a woman's home phone number. Once you get her home phone number then stick with the phone instead of the Internet. Call her. Make your date and then, remain cool, lie low and give her time and space to wonder what's going on with you as her anticipation for her next rendezvous with you builds.
Remember, guys: e-mailing is anti-Challenge.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Get a new love advice article from Doc Love every week!