Dating for Shy People

Q: Dear April,
Let me cut right to the chase. I am shy. I mean—really shy. I can barely even talk around most people, but put me next to some cute guy and I'm a total mute. I've had this problem my whole life, and have almost given up hope of ever getting better. What makes it even worse is that sometimes I'm drawn to shy people—and then it's a double whammy! Any ideas?

From,
Shy Girl

A: Dear Shy Girl,
You see someone across the room and you know instantly—they're the hottest person your eyes have ever come across, and you must meet them. So you gather your courage, casually walk on over, and...s-s-s-st-st-a-m-m-e-r. Your face flushes, your pulse quickens and the thought of actually getting a single word out seems totally impossible. You, my friend, are shy...and you're not alone.

No matter how smart or sexy or confident we are, it's likely that we've all experienced shyness at some point in our lives. The real problem arises when our shyness is so debilitating that we can't overcome it and it actually stops us from moving forward. If that's you—I've got two words for you: "fake it".

That's right, I want you to fake it until you make it. How? By having pre-established ideas for how to approach that guy or girl of your dreams. No spontaneity required, but they'll never know (because you'll have practiced and practiced until you have it down pat). And I'll give you even more ideas about how to approach shy people if you're not the one with the problem but they are.

If you're the shy one.
Role Player—If you've ever wanted to be an actor, this one is perfect for you. Come up with an image of who you think the coolest, sexiest person would be and how they would approach the object of your affection. What would they say? How would they act? Then, envision yourself as that person, and go through the motions. Make sure you have it all down before you approach your guy (practice in the mirror if you have to), and then go for it.

The Advice Seeker—Let's pretend you're in a clothing store and you see the cutest sales clerk. Here's the perfect opportunity to use this technique. Ask his opinion on what you should get your friend for their birthday. This technique allows you to speak with the individual without seeming like you're hitting on him/her, and you're letting it be known you like and trust their taste!

The Innocent—For this one, you go up to your victim, er guy, and say right off the bat that you know this sounds like a pickup line, but really it's not. Then, once they're disarmed, tell him that he just really looks familiar and you wanted to figure out where you might know them from. This is perfect because it allows you to find out all about them (and vice versa), and by the end of the conversation, you'll have established a rapport without ever having to put yourself on the line!

If they're the shy one.
The Comedian—There's no better ice breaker than a hilarious joke, so come prepared. This technique is guaranteed to work well on the shyest of people because it's totally disarming. Plus, if it's funny enough, they won't have any choice but to laugh. Once that's accomplished, all you've gotta do is real them in!

The Charmer—If your shy hottie is standing alone try the confident and playful approach with one of these one-liners: "If the person you're waiting for doesn't show, I'll be right over here, waiting for you" or "There you are— I've been looking all over for you." Sometimes just being charming and confident is all it takes to bring down those barriers. "I'm really not trying to pick you up; I just wanted to know if you've ever been to such and such, because I know I've seen you there before, and I didn't want you to think I was rude by not acknowledging you."

The Mirror—Even if you're the most gregarious confident person in the world, tell the shy guy or girl you have your eye on that you're not. Make it seem as though the two of you are in the same boat, and they'll instantly feel more at ease. This works great at a party or bar where you can say, "I hate these things, don't you?"

Ready for even more bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Then check out my Web site, www.AskApril.com. You'll find informative articles, expert columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget to also check out my workshops to really help you get on the road toward overcoming your shyness, and helping you find the date, partner, or spouse of your dreams! In fact, my workshop called Modern Mating, which is all about how to date online would be perfect for you—it is, after all, the one place where your date will have no idea whether you're shy or not!

April Masini