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Hoping for a Hubby: Women and Marriage in Their Mid-30's

Q: Dear April,
I always thought I would be married with babies by the time I was 30, but now I'm 33 and find myself still single! Making it worse is that I keep hearing how much more difficult it is to find a husband after you reach your mid-30s. Oprah even said that a woman like me has a better chance of being hit by lightening than getting married! April, please tell me how I can meet the man of my dreams at my age, or is he just a pipe dream?

From,
Hoping for a Hubby

 

A: Dear Hoping for a Hubby,
First of all, put away that giant metal pole during the next lightening storm, head indoors, and stop worrying about being struck by the closest bolt. It ain't gonna happen. But neither is your dream of finding a hubby if you don't change your attitude—and quickly!

No matter if the relationship is platonic or romantic, there's one thing that's sure to send the other person running in the opposite direction—desperation. And honey, you sound like you have it in spades.

This is not to say that I don't understand your dilemma, because I do. And your concerns are based on some pretty sound evidence—just look at the fact that there are 28 million single women over 35 compared to a mere 18 million men, and that approximately 80% of women (specifically Caucasian women in the U.S.) are married by the time they're 30—for proof. Those are some scary stats, especially if you're ready to settle down.

But being in panic mode is not helping your cause any. So first I want you—and all of the other women out there just like you—to take a few deep breaths, calm yourself down, and reevaluate your plan of action. There is hope for you yet, despite Oprah's words of doom.

Optimism—a strong aphrodisiac
Like I said, the sense of desperation or neediness in another person is a total turn-off. So the first order of business is to adjust your perception, and thereby, your attitude.

Instead of looking at the fact that you haven't married yet as a tragedy, view it for what it really is—an opportunity to make the right decision. Look back at how much you've grown since your early twenties, and thank your lucky stars you didn't make a lifelong decision about your partner way back then.

It's common thought that we experience the most self-growth and change right around 28 years of age, and it's only now—at 33—that you're probably really, completely understanding what those changes were, and who you are...in the fullest sense of the word. If ever there was a right time to make a decision about who you're going to spend the rest of your life with, and allow to father your precious bambinos, now is the time. Count yourself luck that you waited.

The look of love
Men, they're such simple creatures, really. Just like our biology directs us to "nest", theirs pushes them to spread their seed and propagate. Gods, cruel joke, I think, that the two are often in direct opposition. But the sooner we accept what men want and how they operate, the better. Why? Because we can use this information to our advantage.

In your case, Hoping for a Hubby, you feel that your age is working against you, and want to know what you can do to fight back, and win with men. Well, making sure that you at least look like you're in prime baby-making condition is a good step. The signs of fertility?

• Long, shiny hair—Short hair may be hip, but long hair subliminally exudes youth and sex
• Clear skin—Rosy cheeks, and a smooth complexion
• Fit body—Fit meaning relatively slim, not necessarily buff, with a good waist-to-hip ratio
• Red/Pink Lips—Lip color can fade as we get older, so a pink or reddish color says youth
• Full Breasts—No explanation needed on this one

While some—if not all of these—seem obvious, and what we all want no matter what the age, when trying to attract a man (a man who will become your partner) they're even more important. These qualities, in particular, say that you're young, you're healthy, and you're in your child-bearing prime, even if you're just a tad past.

Men may not know why they're drawn to big boobs and long hair, but now you do. Work it. That means stop spending your dollars on purses and shoes, and start going to the gym and dermatologist. Just think of it as an investment in your future.

Strategize
Lastly, Hoping for a Hubby, make sure that you're making decisions that really, genuinely reflect your desire to find a husband. This means that you're not wasting your time dating "in-betweeners" (you know, the guy who you're just biding your time with until Mr. Right comes along), or guys who are too young to commit, or men who have no money and could never help support you when you have kids...and the list goes on. I can't tell you how many great women I know who say they want the husband, and the house, and the kids, but don't actually live their lives in a way that's helping them get those things.

So, your assignment is to take honest assessment of the way you're living your life, start making whatever changes need to be worked on to "youthify" your appearance, and try your hardest to have a more positive attitude. Trust me, it's a foolproof plan that can only make things better...and one that I think will, within a year, have you and your hubby-to-be on the road to marital bliss.

Ready for even more bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web site, www.AskApril.com. There, you'll find informative articles, expert columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget to also check out my workshop, Think & Date Like a Man! designed to help you find—and marry—your ideal partner. Hope to see you there!

April Masini

Relationship questions? Everyone has them. Most are afraid to ask them. Thus is the beauty of the Internet. With complete anonymity, both men and women can ask everything they ever wanted to know about sex, dating, marriage, divorce, or relationships-but were always too afraid to ask. But who is there to answer?

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